Sunday, March 25, 2012

While you're at the job working nine to five. The Beastie Boys at the Garden cold kickin' it live.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--I had my fingers crossed for an ocelot in space, but it didn’t happen. Nevertheless a nice way to see Archer off. Yeah, I was a little surprised we didn’t get the Archer-Bot vs. Bobby showdown it was a nice temporarily unselfish moment for Archer. We did get Bobby going Warriors with the bottles on his fingers asking Archer to come out to plaaaaaaaaay. Can’t wait to see them play next season.
Archer after Cyril’s “suppressing” fire – “A black astronaut, Cyril! That’s like killing a unicorn!”
There really wasn’t much of a misfire this entire season. Of course any season that includes Burt Reynolds, an ocelot, Pam and Archer hooking up, a realistic fight atop a train, Bryan Cranston, cyborg sex, sploosh and Animal Farm book or allegorical novella arguments, well that’s going to be a good season.

--I could have gone with just 30 minutes of Community with French Stewart reflecting on how tough life can be as a French Stewart impersonator since 3rd Rock went off the air. Instead we got even bigger stars than French Stewart, at least bigger impersonators. Loved the Bono and Morgan Freeman ones. Favorite impersonator? Chang’s Renee Zellweger. Clearly the highlight though was when Dean saw Jeff in the hallway and was immediately brought to his knees by Jeff’s swagger which got its own swagger causing Dean to recognize “even his shadow.” Troy would have totally had me with the Lorenzo’s Oil excuse because why would I have ever watched a movie called Lorenzo’s Oil?
Troy to Britta – “If you have anything else to say, say it in a high-pitched voice while walking backwards.”
Anytime The Incredible Hulk closing music slowly starts while a character is hitchhiking along a roadside is going to be gold.

--Damn, Billy Baldwin does an excellent Alec Baldwin. Cynthia Nixon as Julianne Moore’s character with just a subtle hint of a Boston accent was strong as well.
Diane to Liz – “I’m glad to see the endgame of feminism is women dressing like Dennis the Menace at work.”
Nice to know Jenna was a former girlfriend of Pablo Escobar and topless host of Nickelodeon Mexico.
Jenna – “That’s a nice story Jack, but I don’t hear my name.”
Jack – “You…”
Jenna – “Finally.”
I really need to see the movie of the trapped baby Chinese miners that have to be rescued by puppies.

--Battlestar Galactica, the original series, all kinds of awesome. Battlestar Galactica, the reboot, all kinds of awesome and Grace Park. Caprica, the reboot’s prequel, all kinds of WTF? Blood and Chrome, the reboot’s mid-prequel, all kinds of TBD. Syfy isn’t going to make a television series out of it, but maybe a web series (yawn) or maybe it ends up somewhere else. Either way at least we’ll get a 90-minute pilot movie on Syfy at some point. If there is a God there will be zombie cylons.

--I can see Chuck D. inducting the Beastie Boys into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Don’t think I had Chris Rock doing the induction for the Red Hot Chili Peppers though.

--I think I’ve run out of ways to write that Spartacus kicks ass. Beyond the violence and sex the scheming is just so top notch week to week. We have the ladies to thank for that this week. For a minute it looked like Ilythia, Lucretia, and Seppia all against Glaber. That was before the literal bloodbath. As for the Spartacus aspect of Spartacus. Well bra-f’n-vo. Fireballs and fisticuffs between Ashur’s freakzoid Egyptian and Oenomaus. As if Oenomaus didn’t already look tough enough I assume he’s about to get an eye patch. I didn’t care much for Gannicus, the actor, in Gods of the Arena but damn I love watching that dude fight. One helluva season of television ends next week. I have no idea what the death toll is going to look like, but one thing is for sure. There. Will. Be. Blood.

--One of these days I’m going to have to tear through Portlandia despite my aversion to Fred Armisen. It was renewed by IFC for what I think will be its third season.

--Oh like a freshman English teacher isn’t supposed to ask the only black student in her class to read a Langston Hughes poem “blacker.” And why shouldn’t she ask him what the deal is with black people and grape juice and rap music? Hey kid how about you be ambitious enough to be the "king of all black people."  Geez people are so sensitive when it comes to blatant, inexcusable racism.

--Margo Martindale was incredible as Mags Bennett last season on Justified. I didn’t think there was any way they could come up with the combination of villain/actor to come close to her. I was dead wrong. Neal McDonough has the character in Quarles and he has kicked the sh** out of his scenes every week with this last one being his best. From the thrill of victory to the agony of being outsmarted by a hillbilly to chewing oxy to story time about his unspeakable upbringing to his first kill to threatening Raylan to staring down a shotgun.

Raylan after Quarles tells him he’s going to put a bullet in him – “Why wait?”
Fantastic episode. Surely Quarles can’t live, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Quarles and Wynn in a sitcom together.

--Seriously how do the Eagles spend, spend, spend while the Texans are on the NFL equivalent of food stamps?

--As someone who grew up minutes from Perry’s Butcher Shop on Scarsdale and C&D Burger Shoppe on Fuqua I like this Houston Press list of Houston’s Top 10 Time Warp Restaurants. I remember being in Little League and always wanting to be sponsored by C&D because I naturally assumed that meant free burgers. Dot Coffee Shop is also on the list and I really need to hit it up for old time’s sake because that’s some quality getting over your alcohol intake that night food.

--I had no idea that Sofia Vergara and Salma Hayek had a feud (as manufactured by The National Enquirer as it probably is). Team Sofia.

I’d go into a deep breakdown of Esquire’s Hottest Woman of the Year tournament, but all you need to know is Taylor Kitsch beat Emma Stone so uhhh, yeah, go Riggins.

--Maybe I have LOGO, maybe I don’t. Either way I think it’s pretty funny it’s going to air a Showgirls marathon on April Fool’s Day.

--Look Oakdale High, Mike Stone went to a lot of trouble tweeting all these porn stars asking for a prom date. So if Megan Piper and Emy Reyes say yes then why can’t you just be cool and give the thumbs up?

--LeBron is “too tough” to get a concussion. What an idiot.

--Our Ha-Ha of the Week is pointed at Susan “Char” Cole of Denver. She had jury duty and had a rough day before she was scheduled to go to it. So she went dressed up as a crazy person and told the judge, "I broke out of domestic violence in the military. And I have a lot of repercussions. One is post-traumatic stress disorder." Yeah, turns out she was lying. Also turns out she bragged about it on the radio months later. Also turns out that particular judge was listening to that station when Susan was telling her get out of jury duty story. Ha-ha. She was charged with perjury and attempting to influence a public servant. She may in fact be crazy though as the cosmetologist came out with a book titled, “Seven Initiations with El-Way’s Secrets.” Always good to try and use John Elway’s name to sell a self-help book that has zero to do with John Elway.

--I don’t see one named Ugh.

--RIP Bert Sugar.

Questions, comments or if it took you too long to make your way to Crawfish & Noodles…

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