Saturday, January 21, 2012

October 31st - that is my date of birth. I got to the party and I did the Smurf.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Oh just great, now I’m emotionally involved in the Texans. Sonuvabitch. It wasn’t ever supposed to happen again. Then that defense had to go get me all hot and bothered while Arian conquered Twitter and Temple Run and now I anticipate next season for the Texans more so than fantasy football and that’s a first. If Arian’s agent doesn’t get him a bonus if he crosses 15,000,000 on Temple Run then he’s not doing his job.

--Week 2 of House of Lies and still no underwear dancing from Kristen Bell. I am glad that Jean-Ralphio is playing Jean-Ralphio.

--I forgot what a playoff loss hangover felt like. So much more depressing than an alcohol hangover. Thankfully Raylan and Boyd snapped me out of it within five minutes of Justified’s premiere.

Raylan: It was well over 10 dollars.
Boyd: Well, now, if I found that kind of money I’d be in Mexico by now.
Raylan: Boyd, I’ve been to Mexico. I don’t think you’d like it.
Boyd: How so?
Raylan: …There’s a lot of Mexicans.
Oh damn I missed me some Kentucky. Beautiful bookend scenes for Boyd Crowder. In the middle Raylan was physically mortal, but that bullet last season didn’t hit his brain so there was zero doubt that in a battle between Raylan and Quinn from Dexter that the cowboy would prevail. FX shows even going back to The Shield usually get great guest stars, but Quinn (not bothering with his real name) wasn’t one of them. Neal McDonough/Buck Compton from Band of Brothers is. An expanded role for Jere Burns isn’t a bad thing either. Great start that hit all the Justified notes we’ve come to expect.

-- Burt: “You know Gator was a sequel?”
Archer: “Yes, I know that. I was talking about completing the McClosky trilogy.”
Archer and Burt Reynolds was a match made in heaven. Best television animated chase scene of all-time? Word. And that was with the long elevator scene and the discussion on the benefits of a fire pole installation.
Cheryl: “Just tape ‘em up.”
It was only a matter of time before someone created a tumblr of Sterling Archer Draper Pryce. Awesome.

--I suppose it’s almost time to start paying attention to college basketball. I guess this will be the year Pitt doesn’t screw me since I don’t fill out NIT brackets.

--After this week’s Parks I’ll vote for whichever presidential candidate changes the dictionary spelling of pratfalls to prattfalls because Chris Pratt deserves it after this week. I could watch that for an hour straight while listening to the guys menacingly voice “Bobby Newport” the entire time. Paul Rudd is a perfect entitled flake for Neslie Lope to run against.
Leslie: “That was me.”
Bobby: “How’d you do that?”

--Angry Boys took a step in the right direction with this week’s episodes or maybe it was just because Gran came back. Also a big fan of Jen Okazaki-Marinovich’s training methods. S.Mouse-rithmetic
Divided by Two.
Divided by Four.
Divided by Six.
My Intellectality!

--What says Top Chef Texas like having the finale in Canada! Wait, what? This week was the best episode of the season even though it had zero to do with Texas. The challenge was to make evil dishes for the evil queen from the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman. Charlize Theron plays the queen. Eric Ripert may or may not be the huntsman. Paul won this week because, well look at his enchanted forest.

--Headline: “Police: woman offered sexual favors in exchange for McNuggets.” Here’s the link to the story, but don’t bother clicking it. You can’t have a headline like that and not let the reader know what the exact “sexual favors” were and which favor corresponded to which size of the McNuggets order. Journalism continues to tumble. I mean here’s another headline that should be promising, “5 Year Old Accused of Stabbing 3 People Over Juice Box.” Yet nowhere in the article do we find out if it was a Capri-Sun, a Juicy Juice, Minute Maid, etc. If the juice is good enough to make a 5-year-old stabby then I want to know what juice it was!

--@Adam Schefter – “Only two of the 11 NFL head coaches hired in 2009 remain: Jim Schwartz and Rex Ryan. Other nine – nine! – each now fired.”
I hate it when teams don’t stick with their head coach. Glad we never had any doubts about Gary Kubiak, right? Right?

--Even though I knew Ryan Hansen (Party Down, Veronica Mars) was going to be on Happy Endings I didn’t recognize him with the soul patch and backwards baseball cap. How dare they cover up Ryan Hansen’s beautiful hair? Early top five moment on a comedy this year goes to Brad and his "Blackass" stunt complete with a black wee man, pudding and a crapload of mouse traps. Damon Wayans Jr. is outstanding. If he could have also been on New Girl I probably would have kept up with it.

--After having to suffer through Nickelback on Thanksgiving Detroit deserved a break and boy did it get it. Vanilla Ice will perform at a Pistons game on Totally 90’s night. Gonna have to look into a road trip because I’m pretty sure Detroit pays you if you decide to travel there. If you want to hear ‘Nilla talk about his vegetarian ways, real estate philosophy and his show on DIY then Vulture has you covered.

--Looks like the same ol’ Rockets. Damn. Not that I want the guys to lose. I just want them to not win. Makes sense, right?

--Ghost Rider 2. Hope you’re happy America.

--Our Florida Story of the Week comes to us from, well Florida. The highlights from Will Greenlee of
“‘I’m gonna burn yo (buttocks),’ Kathryn Ann Acluche told her husband, Ricky Thornton. Thornton told Fort Pierce police that his wife made the statement after swearing at him and calling him a narcotics salesman.”
Kathryn threw boiling water on Ricky. “Kathryn, Ricky said, got a phone and hit him in the mouth, busting one of his gold teeth…Ricky was searching for the tooth when an officer arrived.”
“Kathryn said Ricky called her a female dog and a prostitute and hit her before wielding a knife. Police spotted ‘weaves’ pulled from Kathryn’s hair on the living room floor.”
For some strange reason both of them were arrested. No word on the whereabouts of the gold tooth.

--New Sleigh Bells? New Sleigh Bells.

--There wasn’t already a brown M&M? Either way there’s a Ms. Brown who we will be introduced to during the Super Bowl. Try to contain your excitement.

--Who exactly was expecting something intelligent to come out of Marky Mark’s mouth? Or something funny and likeable to come out of Dane Cook’s mouth?

--If Modern Family had dropped all of the wedding stuff this week’s would have been my favorite episode in a long time. Phil auto-tuned. ‘Nuff said.
“The mainstream media doesn’t report on it because it’s not as sexy as feline AIDS.”

Questions, comments or if you hope you never have to watch Mario Batali spit food into Jon Stewart’s mouth again…

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