Went outside my house I went down to the deli. I spent my last dime to refill my fat belly.

Sigh

Oh yay, Bob McNair addressed the team. Thank you Mr. McNair for bringing football back to Houston, but kindly STFU until you either (inevitably I’m afraid) confirm Gary Kubiak will be around for more mediocrity or you clean house. I mean do professional football players want to hear their owner wax poetic about how close other owners think his team is? Who the hell cares what other owners say about you? Are these grown men supposed to take solace in that?! God, I hope not. I don’t know what the point of telling them that even is. Provide them motivation? Isn’t that what the coaches are for? Isn’t that what pride is for? And oh yeah, paychecks?
McNair - "The level of respect that they have for our team and how close they think we are to really being not just a good team but an outstanding team, it was nice to hear your peer group say that about you.”
Oh well congratulations on another year of other owners saying you’re REALLY close to being outstanding. You’re f’n 5-8, THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE! Let’s deal in reality and not in Inception where you try to plant the seed of oh-we’re-so-close-and-look-other-owners-even-say-we-are-so-it-must-be-true. You are what you are. 5-8 with a historically bad passing defense and losses in ways that even Friday Night Lights wouldn’t write for Coach Taylor’s opponents.
McNair - "I think what it does, it's sort of an affirmation that we're on the right track. Clearly, we have to do better, because what we've done wasn't good enough. But (it affirms) that we're on the right track, and I've felt that way all along.”
Stop giving a shit about what your fellow owners say because last I checked you’re competing against all 31 of the other owners for a Lombardi trophy not Miss Congeniality. All those other owners also fired their head coaches or made their playoffs since Kubiak has been here. We’ve had enough of being nice, of not holding coaches or players accountable, of having prices raised year after year, of 8-8, of “oh we’re so close.” Fu** that. Why don’t you listen to someone other than a fellow owner? Like oh I don’t know someone not connected to Kubiak or Smith or Denver? Like a real GD football mind?! Give us the impression you hold players and coaches accountable. Give us something, anything. Just not this same damn speech again.
McNair - “But you know, it's like life. I mean, does everything work out in your life? I doubt it. You don't quit, do you? No, you just suck it up and go on.”
You make some motherf’n changes is what you motherf’n do! How can you be so good at the business of business, but so bad at the business of football?!

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Nothing much to say about Yao except the possible finality for him and the franchise is something I’m glad is on the horizon.

--I bet if Jennifer Carpenter/Debra Morgan had it to do all over again she would have arrested the vigilantes on site. At least shot a little lower and to her right.

--Pony Excess was another solid 30 for 30. However, I don’t think it was focused enough, had too many interview subjects and no new information. It really needed an interview with Sherwood Blount or Eric Dickerson to admit to something everyone accepts as fact anyway. What I did like about it was how even 20 years later the players and boosters are still all smirking about what they did. SMU assumed everyone was cheating and pretty much everyone was, but no school was as brazen about it. The media angle was interesting with the two Dallas papers and Dale Hansen all trying to scoop each other. I’d put Pony Excess third among the college football 30 for 30s behind The Best That Never Was and The U.
(INSERT PICTURE OF SCOREBOARD SHOWING 95-21 UH WIN HERE) - I'll take Houston sports highlights wherever I can get them these days even if they were 20 years ago. Hell I'm gonna go watch Clutch City right now.

--Mr. Skin released his top 10 nude scenes of 2010. The full SFW list here. I’m not sure how anything involving Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore can’t finish #1. Cable television represented well with Paz de la Huerta from Boardwalk Empire and of course Mary-Louise Parker from Weeds.


--‘Tis the season for year-in-review type lists and Twitter is no exception. The overall top trend was “Gulf Oil Spilll” which surprised me. #2 is what I expected to be #1, “FIFA World Cup.” Incep-BWAAAAAARRRRMMMM-tion was #3. The only person as a top 10 overall trend? Justin Bieber of course. The only sea-dwelling creature in the top 10? “Pulpo Paul” who you might remember as Paul the Octopus.
In sports the overall top trend was some guy named LeBron. Then Wimbledon and Manchester United because apparently a lot of English people use Twitter. Slightly surprised Brock Lesnar finished 4th just ahead of the Celtics. Perfect gentlemen Brett Favre and Tony Parker at 6 and 7. No Manny Pacquiao, but Antonio Margarito was #8. Antonio Margarito’s eye did not finish in the top 10. However, Blake Griffin and Mike Vick did.

--I can’t believe I might have to see three movies in theaters this month. The Black Swan, Tron: Legacy and True Grit. Though on review I read compared Tron to Speed Racer so uhhh.


--I have way too many dreams where zombies are involved. Probably because I watch videos like this.


--Call me weird, but I wouldn't want to own Dale Earnhardt's number 3 made out of the asphalt of Daytona's track. You know, the track where he died! NASCAR offering it up on its store if you're interested.

--Fight of the Week last week was Amir Khan and Marcos Maidana. Fight of the Week this week was in Akron. The Morris brothers, Tony and Thomas, are 37 and 41 respectively so you’d think fighting would be a thing of the past. Nope. Not when fried chicken is involved. Tony tossed a piece of fried chicken Thomas’ way because he thought Thomas had taken a bite of it and put it back in the frying pan. Thomas said let’s handle this like men outside and charged out the door before slipping on ice. Yeah, that was the opening Tony needed to start whaling on his brother with a crowbar. Somehow Thomas still managed to get back up and run to his neighbor’s to grab a snow shovel. Moms called 911 and of course later admitted she was the one who took a bite out of the chicken.

--Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III on Adult Swim Sunday night? I’m in. How can you not watch something in which you’ll hear the voices of Billy Dee Williams and Donald Glover?

--DeMar DeRozan is DeGood at DeDunking.


--Big Picture from the Boston Globe has unveiled “2010 in Photos.” It’s three parts of mesmerizing, incredible photography.

--Pretty sure I’ll like The Fighter. Pretty sure this I’ll die laughing when this scene comes up.

--Wow, my apologies Florida. I was about to drop the Florida Story of the Week on you, but this was in California. Malcolm King is a convicted drug dealer at an Orange County jail where apparently they served a lot of salami. Malcolm decided to use religion as a means to get kosher/salami-free meals so he claimed Festivus. Somehow this actually worked for two months before somebody who has ever watched Seinfeld caught on.

--The Golden Globes like pretty much every other awards show is lame except this one is SMU-ish in the way it basically hands out awards to the highest bidder. The Screen Actors Guild Award nominations also came out this week. I saw the Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series included Dexter where approximately one person is an “outstanding actor” while shows like Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy were left out.

Then I saw Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series included Hot in Cleveland and didn’t include Community or Parks and Rec or pretty much anything that highlights my Thursday night (30 Rock and Office don’t highlight my Thursday night). What I’m saying is the voting bodies for television and movies both suck and blow simultaneously.

--Uhhh, Vikings you’re 5-8 and you’re stadium is basically condemned so you’re not going to allow alcohol at your Monday Night game at the University of Minnesota?! Good thinking.

Questions, comments or if you want to congratulate the Zierleins on completing their dream of fielding a starting five…