Thursday, March 18, 2010

It's five dollars extra get the porno flicks. Concoct a black and tan in my brandy snifter.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Eat ‘em up, boys!

--Season 3 of Breaking Bad Sunday night on AMC! The only thing I had been looking forward to more was The Pacific premiere.


--It’s good to have a goal in life. Mine was to see UH make the NCAA Tournament one more time before I died. Check. Donna Simpson of New Jersey has a simple goal as well, to be as fat as she can be. She’s shooting for 1,000 lbs and she’s at 602 right now. She met her life fat partner through a dating site for plus-sizers, presumably called eat-harmony.com. 12,000 calories a day is her target so that’s a lot of food and a lot of money. $815 per weekly grocery bill. How does she pay? She has a website and for some insane reason men actually pay to watch her eat fast food. WTF America?!

--Damages always has a good cast and a big reason why is its liberal use of Wire actors. Brother Mouzone joins the cast this season and sonuvabitch, this guy is walking around like he just shot Stringer Bell and now he’s he’s got Patty Hewes in his crosshairs. Please let Patty hire Omar for muscle.


--When you give South Park time and a topic like “sex addiction” great things are gonna happen. Catch the replay this week if you missed it. I’m still waiting on Jesse James to use “sex addiction” as his excuse for cheating on Sandra Bullock. There’s very little genuine marriage material in Hollywood, but Sandra seems legit.

--Do we need to find a way to start wagering on when the next bus/rail train collision is going to happen in front of Metro headquarters?

--Drunk of the Week comes to us from Nebraska and it’s not Joba Chamberlain. No, it’s a Mr. Jason Botos. Last September Jason was drunk driving and jumped a curb, hit five other cars and managed to critically injure three people. Heady stuff. Probably never drink again, at least not drink until after you’re sentenced, right. Wrong. Jason showed up to his sentencing drunk? How drunk? So drunk he couldn’t get his lush ass out of the car his dad drove to the courthouse. So drunk his father actually had to ask deputies to help him carry his son in. Yeah, that didn’t go over well and he’s in jail now. Presumably sober, but who knows?

--I like golf. I love golf in HD. Golf in 3D? Ehh, I think I could do without that. What a 50 foot putt that looks like it’s rolling at me is supposed to be cool?

--I’m liking Caprica, but seriously another Battlestar spin-off? Bad frackin’ idea.

Bad, unless the spin off includes Grace Park and Tricia Helfer.

--Oh yeah Justified, that’s how you bring a first episode. Still gonna take some time to transition from Shane to Boyd. And they really should’ve just named Timothy Olyphant, Bullock.

--ChicagoNow.com with the top 15 fast food failures. At #15 is the BK Veggie, which ain’t all that bad for a “veggie” burger from a fast food place. McBrats at 14 and that just sounds plain awful. At 12 is the stupid decision Burger King made to try table service and offer free popcorn while you wait for your food. How did those ideas ever actually come to fruition? I barely remember Wendy’s Super Bar back when anything in Bar-form seemed like it was working. Oh what a glorious six months that was. At #8 - McSpaghetti, oh dear Lord. I ordered my fair share of #7, McPizzas, over at UH. Yes, I’m ashamed. #5 was KFC bringing us fried chicken livers. That feeling you immediately had was nausea. Brilliant McDonald’s idea at #3 to give customers something to eat during Lent. Hula Burger – no meat patty, just a big ass pineapple ring in a bun.

Because pineapples and ketchup are such a winning combination. McDLT at #2, probably mostly because the box was so cumbersome and it all got mixed up once you hit a bump in the road anyway. #1 Arch Deluxe, something about being a grown up burger with a red onion and fancy potato bread. No word on where Taco Bell’s shrimp tacos are going to end up on this list. I just know they won’t end up in my stomach. Not even with the guy shilling with a foreign accent on your commercials.

--Mike Tyson in a reality show on Animal Planet racing his pigeons? Boom, sold!

--Lost has gone yard now in back-to-back-to-back weeks. And next week is Richard-centric so you know that one is leaving the yard. Great stuff. How hot was Charlotte? Answer: Very. And we almost got the outrigger shootout we’ve been waiting for and surely it’s still coming. Yeah, I’d like to know what the hell the alt-world storylines mean in the big picture, but I can be a patient a little longer since the storylines themselves are fun. Widmore v. Smokey Locke should be good. I have Smokey Locke advancing in my bracket and I’m pulling for him. If Ben and Locke get that show about being suburban hit men then I’d like it to be followed by Sawyer and Ken in a buddy cop show. We’re halfway through the final season after next week (pours half a 40 out).

That's Juliet's sunflower you s.o.b.

--The good news is that Ben Sheets is healthy enough to get on the mound this spring. The bad news is that he didn’t record an out while 10 of his runners crossed home plate.

--June 13th the new season of True Blood begins and we get to find out what new love interest Tara has that will annoy us all season long.

--Another outstanding Between the Two Ferns with Zach and Ben Stiller There Done That. These should be on Funny or Die Presents.


--Kentucky is gearing up for the NCAA Tournament like only Kentucky can. Larry Long of Paducah was taking care of his 5-month-old and by “taking care” I mean drinking and smoking bluegrass. Oh and he put the 5-month-old in the oven, but the police and the baby’s mom are totally blowing it out of proportion. I mean the oven wasn’t even on. Probably just protecting the baby from second hand smoke, but they are all “oh, you’re a bad father” and “wanton endangerment charges.” Pfft.

--Just when you think Spartacus can’t up the gore, blood and violence anymore…you get a crucifixion and a full frontal view of a guy who had an unfortunate parting with his di**. How awesome was it when Crixus came to Spartacus’ rescue? If you wanna see the pic, then what the hell is wrong with you?

--That Rockets win over the Nuggets might have been the most entertaining, roller coaster ride of a game this season. The Hornets and Warriors found themselves in a crazy one Wednesday. Golden State trailed by 21 in the 3rd…and, of course, ending up winning by 10.

Questions, comments or if you’re considering the carrot, because you don’t want the stick…

3 comments:

  1. the first time KFC tried french fries, they were the most God awful mushy, #2 inducing food product. They were so bad they did not try fries again for another decade. The super bar was good but I am admittedly a fan of buffets.
    Instead of doing the BSG spinoffs/prequels just do a TV movie every two years or so.

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  2. Great between 2 ferns and yet the SNL writers couldn't come up with a decent sketch for Zach G.

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  3. Great idea for Battlestar, except The Plan sucked so bad...and Razor wasn't much better, so my hopes wouldn't be up for anything else Battlestar tv-movie related

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