Tuesday, September 01, 2009

He knows the time with the fresh Gucci watch. He's even more over than the mayor Ed Koch.

Dear Texans:

I’m a very forgiving person with more patience than Tim Tebow’s girlfriend. However, two games in a row you’ve stunk worse than, well, the Texans several years ago. This year is supposed to be different. You’re supposed to make us proud. You’re supposed to be in the playoff picture. You’re supposed to finish at least .500 in the division. You’re supposed to have what other NFL teams refer to as a “pass rush.” You’re supposed to have a quarterback whose ankle doesn’t turn to dust on a simple run out of bounds. You’re supposed to score TDs in the red zone. You’re supposed to not raise prices on beer. You’re supposed to not allow 75-yard TD runs on the first play of the game. You’re supposed to not give up 6 yards a rush on first downs. You’re supposed to get 1st round production out of Amobi Okoye. You’re supposed to not piss off team leaders. You’re supposed to not embarrass us on Monday nights. You’re supposed to get off to a good start. I’m not gonna freak out over preseason games, but I am gonna freak out if you suck like this against a rookie quarterback, rookie head coach, and otherwise ehhh NY Jets team come Week 1.


Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--I'll probably watch Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 at some point. Gotta keep up with Michael Myers so I don't get surprised when he shows up for our final encounter. Apparently he survives in 2 since they're already planning Halloween 3-D next year. In a related note, Zombie is going to remake The Blob.

--Randy Couture. What more is there to say? That was one helluva scrap between he and Nogueira, who looked damn good. No need to go over what happened to my boy Demian Maia. It happens. Nate Marquardt is just that f'n good. Ed Herman is just that f'n tough. He had no business coming out for another round after he f'd up his knee. There are debuts and then there's Todd Duffee. Holy crap, a 7-second knockout?! That debut is second only to Hillbilly Jim's debut back in the day.

--Audrina Patridge is leaving The Hills and going to The Audrina Show. Makes sense since her name is already in the show title.

--I haven’t seen this episode of C.S.I…In Florida, Steve Fluegge was getting his day started at 6am when he walked downstairs and met a burglar for breakfast. The burglar took off down the street with whatever he could get his hands on while leaving a big plasma television in the backyard. The cops arrived within minutes, but couldn’t locate the robber. A crime technician working the scene couldn’t pull fingerprints off the television because of the morning dew on it. So he left it in the backyard and just put a tarp over it. I mean with all the cops around there’s no way the robber would come back for the TV. Way. The guy also took Steve’s Nintendo 64. N64?! Was his Atari 2600 and Intellivision in the shop?

--Former Heat player Tim James = man.

--Reno is trying to save Reno 911! It was a nice run, but that run has been over for a while.

--One thing I haven’t seen on Wire yet (one and a half seasons to go) is a police dog. We can’t have McNulty and Hooch?! The dog would probably be teams with Herc, just seems like a natural fit. Anyway, in Framingham, Mass. cops were on the search for an armed robber. The cops saw him go one way and sent the dog after him. The dog found a criminal, just not the armed one. No, go figure, the dog found a homeless guy who had just stolen and stuffed $60 of meat in his pants. That’s gotta be an uncomfortable way to get busted. A freakin’ police dog sniffing your meat-filled pants.

--Of course Macauley Culkin is the biological father of Michael Jackson’s son Blanket.

--One more True Blood left in this awesome season. Apparently someone majorish dies. I wouldn’t be upset if it was Tara.

--FilmDrunk.com with two fantastic pics of How Twilight Should've Ended. It's hard to determine which I'd be more in favor of, but I'm leaning Jurassic.

--Fantastic Four is getting a reboot? We aren’t thinking about replacing Miss Alba are we? Just figure out some way to not make Thing look stupid. That’s all I ask.

--Because you need a printable schedule of Fall television debuts...
Next week we get Sons of Anarchy and Glee. Those shows have a lot in common.

--MTV is coming out with a Teen Wolf show. Yay. I mean Jason Bateman has had himself a nice career, but he’ll never get rid of the stain that was Teen Wolf Too. Now you wanna Twilight-up Teen Wolf? Good luck with that.

--I live next to a train so it took a little time to get used to the horn at all hours, but I got used to it. 69-year-old Judy Davis of Missouri couldn’t get used to planes flying over her house. So she did what most red-blooded Americans would do. Yep, she took a .22 caliber handgun, walked onto a runway and took target practice. For some strange reason she was arrested.

--Bad Boys 3?! Finally some closure after 2.

The only reason to maybe watch.

--Are you sitting down? Mad Men has been picked up for a 4th season. Whew, that was close.

--The Real L-Word?! I’d rather watch Bad Bo... nvm.

Questions, comments or if Uverse is making your life worth living...


  1. Anonymous7:14 AM

    Jebus H Christ its preseason. Anytime you actually want to fret about something you're seeing in preseason just repeat these words:

    The Lions went 4-0 last preseason

  2. I know and the colts usually don't win more than one preseason game. I'm not freakin out, but I'm also not blind to the last two games.

  3. Anonymous7:36 PM

    No crap. Its the freaking preseason. That was possibly the worst entry ever in your diatribes. Have you caught a case of Richard Justice since you both work in the same station? Normally I back you, but that was pretty lame and pointless. On a side note lil bigs was god awful.


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