Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Mowing Down M.C.'s Like I'm Mowing A Lawn

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--First William Hurt and now Timothy Olyphant on Damages next season?! Out-f'n-standing!

--Battlestar's season is done and next we see Tricia Helfer it'll apparently be on Fox's Inseperable.

--You gots to get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart the likes of the North Carolina DMV. Drivers can now bring in those despicable, nasty, horrific 'WTF' license plates and get them replaced for free. Apparently there are 10,000 WTF plates on that state's roadways ruining the innocence of the young, naive North Carolina children. Thankfully we have, "Officials learned last year the common acronym stands for a vulgar phrase in e-mail and cell phone text messages." Wait, "Officials learned last year the common acronym stands for..." Learned last year?!?!? WhereTF have you been? LOL. Thankfully the DMV also caught their own screw up as its website had a sample plate picture with a 'WTF' on it. And to quote, once more, "Officials are trying to remove the plate from the site." Really, "trying"? First time on the Internets?

--A Verne Troyer sex tape?! And this is linked to on TMZ because of widespread interest? Thankfully Verne and his girl are suing to stop this from being released. How embarrassing would it be if that got out for Verne. I mean he's easily the classiest dwarf to ever pull down his pants and piss in the corner of a room in the Surreal Life house.

--And Spain is your big winner in Euro Futbol. Good game against Germany. EAT IT MICHAEL BALLACK! All I want is a DVD of Turkey's improbable run. Love Turkey.

--Because you can't get enough George Carlin...

--It's my very sad duty to inform you that the "Top Gun Bar" has burned down. It was the bar in Kansas City where Goose and Maverick gave us "Great Balls of Fire" as well as the final "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling". Let me know if you find that reason for living.
This was waaaaaay back when Tom was considered cool.

--I think I found that reason...Steve Carell signed on for three more seasons of Michael Scott. Ricky Gervais says of Steve, "He is the hardest working man in Hollywood and the harder he works the better it is for me. I mean... well done Steve you are wonderful." Gervais also mentioned that work is being done on The Office spinoff, but no details yet.

--Washington State's football team hasn't exactly had a good run lately with its players. Twenty-five players arrested over an eighteen month span isn't exactly what you're looking for. A couple of idiots who go by the names of Andy Mattingly and Trevor Mooney chief among the problem players. Andy was a good LB, but thought he was good enough to F with some soccer players from North Idaho College and everyone knows you best bring it if you're gonna run smack at North Idaho College football players. So Andy calls a friend and they head to an apartment where the goalie and a midfielder live. I'll just reprint the fight details from The Seattle Times because they're absolutely priceless:
"First, they knocked. Then, Mattingly kicked in the door. The midfielder grabbed a steak knife, the goalie a butter knife. Mattingly picked up a frying pan off the stove.
The midfielder jumped out a window. This left the goalie — Cesar Lira, 5 feet 10, armed with a butter knife — to contend with Mattingly, a 6-4 linebacker swinging heavy kitchenware.
Mattingly hit Lira's head so hard the pan's handle broke, court records say. Lira got back up, jumped out a window and called police. He had a 2-inch gash and was "bleeding profusely," a police report says.
When police arrested Mattingly and Mooney, Mooney was so drunk he vomited while being booked."
Thankfully the boys learned their lesson....well for at least 9 days because on the 10th day after being sentenced to probation they got busted for driving around drunk off their arses. The quote of the week comes from Courtney Williams who played DB at Wazzou for a bit before leaving:
"WSU is a hard school to go to, man. You ain't got nothin' to do but get drunk and smoke weed, and not go to class because you're too tired from doing what you're doing."

--Apparently Megan Fox has some demands concerning other hot chicks in Transformers 2 saying well, who cares? Let's just show Megan Fox. Damn you Silver!

--If you're bored this summer then why not try and set a record? All you have to do is break this guy's record. He jumped from 35 feet 5 inches into just 12 inches of water in a kiddie pool. Please send me your YouTube link once you set the new standard...

--I know ESPN is the king of self-promotion, but naming that stupid ABC show Wipeout the # 8 top play just because John Anderson hosts and it starts at 8 Eastern is ridiculous even for ESPN.

--I know I've been writing this for a while, but I didn't think I had been writing so long as to get to revisit one of the worst stories ever...and yet....
Remember Allen Patton? This sicko from Ohio was the freak who would collect boys' urine from movie theater restrooms, sometimes even paying for it, so he could, you know, drink it. Yeah, now you remember Allen Patton. Two years ago he was on trial and was banned from public restrooms for five years and ordered to wear a GPS device. It seems Patton has moved on from movie theaters to sporting events at stadiums. Apparently he's been observed placing Saran wrap on toilet seats with the purpose, well you know the purpose. I'm not sure if Chris Hansen can be unleashed upon him, but it's an idea. Remember the good ol' days on Dateline: To Catch a Predator? Damn you lawsuits!

--It was one thing for Donald Trump to rag on Rosie. I mean, it's Rosie and she sucks. She sucks so much that you don't even need a reason to say "Rosie sucks" people just nod in agreement. But Donald has gone waaaay too far. Now he's criticizing Anne Hathaway who left that lying scumbag she married not so long ago. Donald told Access Hollywood or some such show, "“She hasn’t remained very loyal to him, has she? So when he had plenty of money, she liked him, but then after that, not as good, right?” Yep, scamming and lying will make people act funny sometimes.
Oh yeah, what a terrible wife Anne was. So cute putting her head down on his stomach to take a quick nappy. Adorable.

--Wait...Corey Haim once dated Victoria Beckham?!

--Since we're forced to go two weeks without Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert entertaining us we'll have to revisit the boys every once in a while. Today Colbert's best Green Screen Challenge entry concerning John McCain...

--Not only will Michael Scott be back for three more seasons, but Toby's replacement Holly is signed on for the upcoming season as well.

Questions, comments or if you used to be cool...

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