Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Now I just got home because I'm out on bail

Hawaii 9-0!! Wait, What?

Maybe you remember this guy named Lance something or other, real funny guy, anyway on his chron blog a week or so ago he proclaimed himself a member of the Reggie Bush Wanters Anonymous or something such and I'd like to join. It's still waaaaayyy too early to judge who got the better end right now, but there's no denying Mario is playing his ass off and he got screwed on the Pro Bowl vote. Somebody's gotta pay and it might as well be Peyton and Garrard over the next two weeks.

--Not only did the Dolphins do the impossible and win a game, but Ronnie Brown who has missed the last 7 games no longer leads the team in rushing yards and receptions. Marty Booker passed him up on receptions, but he will finish the season as the team's # 1 rusher despite not playing since Week 8.

--Not the other two teams in Florida going to the playoffs, but it's Miami as the only Florida team with a representative in the Pro Bowl, that'd be Jason Taylor.

--Bill Cowher has said he won't coach in 2008 meaning he should be getting a job in, well, what time is it?

--Honestly a 1,000 yard rushing season is not all that impressive. I mean averaging 62.5 yards a game is something special? Anyway, apparently it is something awesome if you're a Raider. Justin Fargas went over the 1,000 yard on Sunday becoming just the 2nd back in the last 7 years to do it in Oakland. His reward? Season ending injury.

--The Jaguars have now gone their last 20 games without losing a game they led after three quarters.

--How bad was Atlanta's offense against Tampa on Sunday? Well, Chris Redman's QB rating after the 1st quarter was 1.2. After four quarters it was 0.0.

--Remember when Baltimore was 4-2, yeah, that was cool. It's now 4-10 and has spawned a self-proclaimed "Goof on the Roof." Ronnie Stack is staying on the top of the roof of his favorite bar until the Ravens win. He had already been up one week when the Dolphins jacked up his boys. This fan seems hardcore until you realize he gets to come down one hour a day to tend to "personal matters" and he doesn't even plan on staying up there once they lose their final two and go into the offseason.

--"The Jessica Game"? "The Jessica Jinx"? Holy crap media, calm the f down. One game.

--The top two backs in both tackled for loss and most runs 10 yards + are Adrian Peterson and LaDainian.

Fun with Santa

Tis the season to F with Santa. We start in Spokane where off-duty fire fighter, Kevin Smith, was dressed as Santa and riding in the back of a truck that was decorated as a sleigh. Jolly St. Nick was handing out candy to children when THWACK!! down goes Santa! down goes Santa! Santa never saw what hit him, but it knocked him unconscious, broke his nose and gave him two black eyes. Santa Smith said of his elves, "They thought I'd spilled my hot chocolate, but then realized it was blood." That's aight kids, Santa never forgets.
Next we head to Danbury, Connecticut where the mall Santa allowed a 33-year-old woman to sit on his lap and she proceeded to grab Santa's chestnuts. Santa told police she touched him inappropriately and she was charged with fourth-degree sexual assault.
Finally in Australia a mall Santa was told to say "Hi, Hi, Hi" instead of "Ho, Ho, Ho." Yeah he was fired because Australians have no sense of humor like our boys in New Zealand.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--If you're not watching these weekly Carl videos then chances are you have waaaayyyy too much stuff going on in your life. Relax, deep breath, and let Carl make you laugh...

--Wait, the reviews are bad on Duel and its cooler than cool host Mike Greenberg?! Wow, that was really unexpected.

--I know you've all been wondering who NBC was going to get to voice KITT in the new Knight Rider. It came down to Gilbert Gottfried or Fran Drescher or Will Arnett and Will Arnett is your winner.

--Derek Anderson went to high school with the Playmate of the Year, Sarah Jean Underwood. Miss Underwood actually helped pair Anderson with his now wife. They went to football/Playmate powerhouse Scappoose High in Oregon. You could do worse than google image searching Sarah Jean Underwood.

--There's no party like a Man U party. Apparently all these soccer clubs have huge holiday bashes. At Man U's wives and girlfriends are not invited and cell phones are strictly, and by strictly I mean eight bodyguards specifically the enforce this rule, prohibited. One of the players, Rio Ferdinand, then picks out the skanks for the evening's entertainment. First stop - bar. Second stop - casino. Third stop - gentleman's club. Fourth stop - hotel room for "laters." I can only assume "laters" means sleeping alone. Oh wait the party was over the weekend and apparently "laters" means "rape claim."

--First Roger Clemens is named in the Mitchell Report, now Elijah Dukes had another woman get a temporary injunction against him for protection against domestic violence. I mean all these incredible surprises in one week's time. Elijah sent this particular lady a love text six weeks ago that stated she would "have to deal with the consequences." Other great hits: "don't let me see you when I come home" and "it's a promise, now make your move." His final show of amore occurred in 5 AM phone call when he told her, "It's on." They shoulda tossed Elijah's name on the Mitchell Report just to have one more reason to keep him out of the league.

--Congratulations to Rick Salomon for staying married to Pam Anderson for all of two months before she filed for divorce. Wait three hours later she undivorced him.

--Apparently there are two Rachel Nichols in the world and the one not on ESPN is Scarlett in the upcoming GI Joe movie.

--Rest easy America at the very least Conan and Leno will be back with new episodes on January 2nd. People still watch Leno? They should just stick to the retro episodes, much more entertaining.

--Really Peter Brady? You want to separate from Adrianne Curry because she posed for some naked photos with another hot, naked chick? Are you listening to yourself?

--Your life and death, hide and seek game of the week comes to us from LA. The other day this guy somehow ended up crashing into a building. He was pulled from the car by emergency personnel and taken to the hospital. The car was towed to an impound lot. Then a couple of days later family members reported a relative was missing. Turns out grandma was behind a deployed air bag in the car and no one noticed. Ummm, how does that happen. So grandma died maybe during the crash, maybe during her overnight stay at the impound lot. Either way, not a good way to go.

--Travolta out and Ben Stiller in as J.R. Ewing on Dallas?! Anyone even considering watching this?

--Modern Marvels: Booby Traps learned me that in WWII it took an okay from a three star general before an American soldier could use a booby trap. It also learned me that marijuana growers will booby trap their plants by placing straight razors near the base of the plant.

--If you're missing Boondocks on Monday nights and replays on the weekends you're missing some funny sh**.

--Jamie Lynn Spears who is all of 16 is pregnant?! Yeah, that's about right.

Questions, comments or if you'd like to donate a can of food for Tara Reid...

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