Thursday, September 06, 2007

He goes to sleep by falling down on his face

It’s Football Time!!!!!

It’s here, it’s finally here. Sunday it all gets going with the Chiefs and Texans. Are the Texans this good? Are the Chiefs that bad? Does Brodie Croyle have a hotter wife than Tony Gonzalez? Does Jason Dunn understand how many years Deron Cherry played with the Chiefs? Will Dunta be okay after that crazy sh** last weekend? Will Jacoby Jones cartwheel or backflip into the end zone when he returns his first regular season punt for a score? Will Mario bring it every single down? Will Petey get burned more often than C.C.? So many questions to answer. Can’t hardly wait. Oh, my meaningless prediction for the Texans is 8-8. Not bad, not great, but in the right direction.

--Seriously Bill Maas, back in July when you got arrested with a woman half your age while in possession of a gun, pot, coke, and ecstasy that probably should have been a wake up call. Now you’re getting busted while trying to board a plane with a loaded 9mm handgun in your carry-on?! WTF happened to you?! You used to have a career talking about football. Was that too easy?

----I’m not sure, but I think Mark Mangino likes it when his players get flagged for excessive celebration…

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Rejoice November 6th The Flight of the Conchords comes out on DVD. Fan-tastic move bringing in Demetri Martin although he could’ve been used more and they could’ve easily done an hour-long season finale.

--What a wasted season for Entourage. Thankfully Curb returns!
--Can you stand the wait for the trainwreck that’ll be Britney’s “performance” at Sunday’s VMAs?

--The day has finally come, Jenna Fischer and her husband are divorcing after 7 years of holy matrimony. Time to make my move, which right now consists of sending her a MySpace message stating:

I understand how difficult celebrity can be on relationships. You see I’m a Sports Radio 610 talk show host, but you probably already knew that from the billboards (wait, that’s not us), maybe you knew that from the mention in Barron’s column about my promotion (wait, there hasn’t been a mention), maybe you knew that because of the station’s endless promotions of The Night Shift (wait, that never happens either), maybe you knew that because, well because I just told you. Anyway, I’m sure you have a lot of loser groupies, but I am not among them, (wait I am). Oh well if you ever feel like slumming and you enjoy all night Jager sessions, passing out and then putting together bits and pieces of the night through the text messages you received and sent then I am the loser groupie for you.
--Speaking of the funniest show on network television. Season 3 blooper reel…

--Good God, Howie you are one worthless “chef”.

--When the story ends with “was detained by the mortician until officers arrived” it usually has a promising beginning. This one we head to Flagstaff for as at 8 o’ clock the other night a funeral director looked outside of the church the ongoing funeral was at and saw a guy get into the hearse…..and start stealing the flowers. The guy was drunk off his ass and yeah, “was detained by the mortician until officers arrived.”

--The next Street Fighter movie is going to focus on Chun Li?!

--I cannot wait for this…

--Your father-daughter bonding moment of the week comes to us from Reno. There Lucien Hoffman and his two-year-old enjoyed a lovely afternoon at the Mustang Ranch and by “enjoyed” I mean he went in for a couple of hours while his two-year-old daughter stayed in the car in the 95 degree heat. Yeah, thankfully a security guard spotted the little one crying and got her out of the car. Police arrested Daddy who told the cops he was “attending a function at the brothel.”

--How can you have a Throw Momma From The Train sequel without Anne Ramsey/Ma Fratelli?!

--Oh young love in Long Island…22-year-old Yudith was out with her 21-year-old boyfriend Paulito. Yudith was driving, but drunk Paulito wanted to take the wheel. Finally Yudith pulled over, got out and started walking away. She should have run and she should have gotten off the road…cause…Paulito es loco. He ran her down and then crashed into a fence before running from the cops and eventually being arrested. She has a broken leg and some cuts, but she made her point, dude was too drunk to drive. She’s gonna hold that over him a long time.

--One more drinky drink story, this time from Wisconsin. There 43-year-old Harvey Miller was too drunk to drive by himself so he got his friend to help. Oh yeah, Harvey ain’t got no legs so he steered while his boy operated the gas pedal and brake. Yeah, they got stopped and arrested. It was legless Harvey’s third, third! drunk driving offense.

--I accidentally watched five minutes of Snakes on a Plane the other night and who should I see, but Riggins from Friday Night Lights joining the mile high club and that evil chick, Sally, from Conchords.
--I’m not saying Des Moines has some weirdo crimes, but Des Moines has some weirdo crimes (I didn’t say it, I wrote it, it’s allowed, get off my back). Father and his 22-year-old son Patrick live in the same house, but domestic bliss was smashed when son threw a Cheetos bag at father and father ended up with a cut on the bridge of his nose. Father’s name was Michael and in the police report it actually states, "Michael's T-shirt was also covered in Cheeto dust." Oh yeah, Patrick admitted to the police he was on meth and that’s why he was insane enough to launch a bag of Cheetos at a fellow human being knowing damn well how sharp the those bags are.

--I went over the seven new fabulously fried items that will be unleashed at the State Fair of Texas this year. Minnesota is having its State Fair and apparently the Turkey To Go store is fairly popular. All 12 days of the Fair they fry 10 turkeys at a time from sunup to sundown. Anyway the all too trusting Minnesotans have their safe in a spot where customers can see it and oh yeah, they usually don’t lock the safe. So some genius safe cracker came in and this is how he outsmarted the cashier at the counter as told by the owner, "One guy came up and bought a sandwich and what happened was he requested skin. We don't get that very often." So yeah, the cashier went to the back and when he got back the money in the safe was gone. And yeah, the owner and his employees rarely go to the bank like the majority of Fair vendors do and so the robber got away with $20,000, but that bastard didn’t get his turkey skin so joke’s on him.

Questions, comments or if you can’t believe how great these WNBA Finals are…

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