Thursday, August 02, 2007

Because She's The Cheese And I'm The Macaroni

Same Ol’ Bullsh**
The non-waiver trade deadline has come and gone and Mark Loretta is still with the team. Mike Lamb is still with the team. Jason Jennings is still with the team. Brian Moehler and Orlando Palmeiro still take up roster spots that could be filled with, I don’t know, guys who might be a part of the club’s future. Whatever. It’s been a crappy year from the top of the organization to the bottom (I’m looking at you Jason Lane, Morgan Ensberg, etc.). The good news is if Loretta and Lamb leave after the season the Astros will have some compensation draft picks coming their way!! Oh boy!! Considering recent drafts this is very promising news!! Astros fever, catch it!

--Seriously Pirates you wanted Matt Morris? Um, 7.94 ERA since June. Um, $9.5 million you owe him next season. Um, your highest paid player in franchise history is now Matt Morris.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Yeah, OJ, probably not a good idea to do an interview complete with call-in questions because well you might get a question like the one Kevin asked you…

Alex: “Remember when you played for the 49ers?”
OJ: “Yes”
Alex: “Did you kill Bill Walsh?”

--Next week we’ll start hitting more on the Texans since preseason game # 1 is barely more than a week away.

--I’m not sure, but I think the abomination (with the exception of Erin Andrews’ appearance) known as “Who’s Now” is over.

--Your waste of time study this week comes to us from the Forty Acres. UT researchers explored 237 reasons why men and women make sexytime. The # 1 reason? They are attracted to the other person. Wow, who would’ve thought that? Almost all of the top 10 reasons given by each sex matched what the other sex said. Although men listed “I wanted to please my partner” as a reason while women didn’t. Females listed “I realized I was in love”, which didn’t make the men’s top 10. The bottom 5 reasons for relations are much more fun to look at it. The # 1 bottom reason women have relations…”I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease.” That’s reassuring right, fellas? That’s the # 2 bottom reason for men, with our # 1 bottom being, “the person offered to give me drugs for it.” “Someone offered me money to do it” and “I wanted a raise” are 2 and 3 bottom reasons for the ladies. I don’t really get how # 3 bottom reason was even listed since it’s “I wanted to punish myself.” Punish yourself by smashing?

--Kevin Smith is going to write and direct the first episode of Heroes: Origins?! Obviously he watches the show, "The Japanese dudes are gay, right?"

--Seriously Pacman Jones in TNA wrestling?!

--You’ve probably already seen this, but in case you have not…

--Wait. Jessica Alba broke up with Cash whoever because Cash whoever didn’t want to get married?! Uhhh, he’s gonna do better?

--New Zealand has given us Flight of the Conchords and now NZ presents us with vegansexuals – vegans who only give up the booty to other vegans. Apparently many females are attracted to meat-eaters, but the thought of having relations with someone whose body is made up of animal carcasses gets them out of the mood.

--The Celtics are interested in Deke?!

--Now that’s the Entourage I know and love. “Furries have feelings too.”

--Your dumbass of the week comes to us from the Indiana football team. Tight end Blake Powers was arrested on Monday after he decided to do some water balloon tossing. Dude is supposed to be a senior so I’m not sure what the fascination is with a water balloon at that age. But anyway, Blake saw an open car window and lobbed his balloon through it striking the driver…who also happened to be an off-duty police officer. Whoops.

--It’s down to Rock and the lovely Bonnie on Hell’s Kitchen. Worst set of “chefs” ever. There’s no way Bonnie wins, right?

--Damages has been strong on FX. Ted Danson is killing as Frobisher.

--Back in the day a friend of mine had a dad who couldn’t smell so it made things convenient whenever she wanted to smoke ganja (of course, I never took part because that stuff will make you forget stuff, now where was I). Oh yeah, it was good for her, bad for her dad. Bad also for Eugene Pilouw whose diabetes affects the nerves in his nose. Eugene lives in Harlingen and noticed on July 12th that his wife hadn’t been around. He thought she had left him, which she had done in the past. Yeah, their daughter came home three days later and was looking for a cat carrier. So she went to the back of the house to a storage room and noticed a strange smell which unfortunately ended up being her dead mother.

--Because you obviously need to be aware of this…20,000 males in the U.S. last year had breast reduction surgery. 14,000 of those boys were 13-19 years old. Merle Yost is now 35 and trying to raise awareness of gynecomastia or enlarged male breasts. Yost’s experiences as a child, “At 11, I started developing breasts. I was tortured in school. Boys gave me titty-twisters. Girls offered me their bras. I had a coach who kept deliberately putting me on the ‘skins’ team.” None of that is in the least bit funny.

--Your uncoordinated car passenger of the week comes to us from Pensacola. There Miguel Rogelio was riding shotgun as his friend drover along U.S. Highway 29. Miguel felt the need to spit and so he decided to open his door…and of course, he fell out and smacked his head. Somehow he’s still alive.

--You checked out Mind Control with Derren Brown on Sci-Fi yet?

--Minister Tommy Tester was in Johnson City, Tennessee the other day enjoying the car wash while dressed in the usual car wash attire…a skirt. Some guys were there and thought Tommy was acting a little weird especially when Tommy decided to take a piss (no word on if he stood or squatted). The police decided to come by and the quick thinking Tommy offered them sexual favors. Yeah, that didn’t go over well, even in Tennessee. Cops found a bottle of vodka and empty bottle of oxycodone in Tommy’s car and Tommy went to jail.

--In case you missed it, Troy Hudson and the T’wovles agreed to a buyout. Oh and Troy Hudson’s album that dropped on July 17th sold all of 78 copies in its first week.

Questions, comments, or if that’s what you’re into…

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