Friday, July 27, 2007

Got To Do It Like This Like Chachi And Joanie

Dumbass of the Week

No need to delve back deep into the Michael Vick thing. I’m not the legal system so due process doesn’t apply to me and I think the guy is guilty and needs to go down just like the rest of the sickos who practice this despicable, inhumane and oh yeah, illegal behavior. Let me just share some of what dumbass Deion Sanders had to say about this. Deion now overtaking Charley Casserly for biggest dumbass on CBS. Deion:

"What a dog means to Vick might be a lot different than what he means to you or I. Hold on, don't start shaking your head just yet. Listen to me. Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth. Some people let their dogs eat from their plate. Some people dress their dogs in suits more expensive than mine, if you can believe that. And some people enjoy proving they have the biggest, toughest dog on the street. You're probably not going to believe this, but I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest. Maybe, he identified with them in some way. I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It's like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn't tap out when he knows he can't win. The reason this is turning into a three-ring circus is that baseball is boring, basketball is months away, football is around the corner and we in the media don’t have a thing interesting to write about.”

The “allure”?! So you think there’s an allure to it because you don’t say “what I think the allure is” you just straight up say “the allure.” The comparisons that some morons make are just unbelievable. Seriously, “it’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out”?! No sh**, the dog ends up getting wetted down and then electrocuted. I didn’t see Ken Shamrock get taken out back after he last lost and get his head held underwater until he died. You’ve got to be f’n kidding me. The goal is death in ultimate fighting? How f’n clueless can you sound? Oh yeah, we in the media have nothing else to talk about…biggest NBA scandal in history, NFL training camps, signings, holdouts, MLB trade deadline a week away, Barry Bonds about to break the most hallowed record in sports, bo-ring. Way to reaffirm your stupidity Deion. Congratulations. Who wants to be the next dumbass former athlete to have Michael’s back?

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--It took two and a half years for Jessica Alba to kick Cash Warren or Warren Cash or Cash Money Brothers or Warren Beatty or whoever to the curb, but the kicking is over. Because of Miss Biel’s appearance on the God awful Who’s Now segments Miss Alba is back at # 1 in the official ‘Tribes rankings.

--Tell me the Ford Explorer and the actual umbrella Britney Spears smashed said Explorer with is on e-Bay with the starting bid at $25,000.

--How we can turn this Tim Donaghy into a fix-it idea involving the dissolution of the WNBA?

--Seriously, Lindsey? You were wearing someone else’s pants the night you were arrested and cops found coke in the pants you were wearing? That’s almost as good as your “I wasn’t driving, the black kid was” defense. I think it’s time you started going with “Opposite Lindsey” and just start doing the exact opposite of what you would normally do.

--Do you like The Simpsons? Do you like drugs? Do you like watching The Simpsons on drugs?

--Your WTF is going on with that State story of the week comes to us from Wisconsin. There last September three 21-year-old creepy pieces of crap saw an obituary photo of a 20-year-old girl who apparently was good-looking…when she was…you know…breathing. These sickos went to the cemetery and started digging before abandoning the plans. Thankfully a car pulled up and they were busted. Of course, Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia so these guys skated on attempted sexual assault charges. Congratulations Wisconsin.

--Your sicko sub of the week comes to us from Long Island High School. Former substitute Michael Williams started off some classes with, “What I say in this class, better stay in this class.” Yeah, Michael then would start talking about how much enjoys oral sex. Talk of oral sex by a teacher to young teenage students – frowned upon. Of course, Michael claims he was discussing sex in the context of hip-hop lyrics. Uh-huh.

--Damn I almost feel stupid for not remembering that The Transformers PSAs end the same as GI Joes’.

--Drudge Report headline of the week: WASHPOST: Bush Most ‘Unpopular President’ in Modern History?
There’s a ‘?’ at the end because? And for that matter ‘modern’ is in the sentence because?

--29,000 people can no longer select their moods on MySpace. Seeing as how those 29,000 profiles belonged to sex offenders this is a good, if not very, very overdue thing.

--Thanks for the thought CNN, but I don’t feel the need to watch the video attached to the headline, '28 pounds of tumor cut off man’s face.'

--Tim McGraw and Faith Hill no more?!

--Seriously three of the top four rated shows last week were The Singing Bee, America’s Got Talent, and So You Think You Can Dance.

--Entertainment Weekly ranked the Best 50 Love Songs Ever and we start paying attention at 23 with "Purple Rain". At 21 we find "Time After Time" and yeah, I had Cyndi Lauper’s She’s So Unusual cassette. For some strange reason Beyonce’s "Crazy In Love" is 18. I mean the words ‘Best’ and ‘Ever’ are in the title of this list so… Anyway, would’ve thought "Unchained Melody" would be higher than 17. "At Last" is a great selection at 14. Thankfully no Michael Bolton, but Percy Sledge’s "When a Man Loves a Woman" at 13, which seems low. I don’t consider "Ring of Fire" a love song, but it’s 12. Paul McCartney at 11 with I"’m Amazed", me too Paul. F’ yeah, "In Your Eyes" at # 10!
Top 10 looks strong as hell with U2’s "All I Want is You" at 9. But what the hell EW saying “it’s the only reason to own Rattle & Hum” is just dumb. "Desire"? "Pride"? "Angel of Harlem"? Live versions of "Bullet" and "I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For"? Okay, did not expect or need to see "Sweet Child O’ Mine" at 8. Huh? I don’t know the Stones well at all, but "Wild Horses" at 7. No surprise Whitney’s "I Will Always Love You" landed at 6. Al Green’s "Let’s Stay Together" at 5, worked great in Pulp Fiction when the boxer met Marcellus Wallace. "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" at 4. The Beatles’ "Something" at 3. This would have been my # 1, but Elvis’ "Can’t Help Falling in Love" at 2 while the # 1 spot goes to Johnny Gill’s 16-minute version of "My, My, My"…or this…

--Season 2 of Weeds is out on DVD!

--Maybe you’ve seen the pictures of Vanessa Minnilo and Lindsey Lohan playing knives-ies and pulling at each other’s tops. Those were from a year ago and apparently those pics were tough for Vanessa to deal with. "It was a tough time. I want people to see me for who I am. When a photo like that gets more press than you do it's sad. Nick said to me: 'This is one bad chapter in a book of your life.'”
People like to see you for you Vanessa….As long as you are getting hammered from behind by Nick in a hot tub.

--Sylar as Spock in the JJ Abrams Star Trek movie is an example of perfect casting.

--The first month of next season’s Office episodes are all going to be an hour-long!?! Sorry Scrubs, but that pushes you back to October 25th for your season premiere.Bring back Heather! By the way, Zach Braff is the 5th highest paid television star out there as he’s pulling i$6.3 million a year. Holy Sh**!! Obviously Oprah is the top dog at $260 million. Next up, no surprise, is Simon Cowell at $45 mil. Judge Judy at $30 million. Kati…wait, Judge Judy makes $30 million a year?! WTF?! Hell, Bob Barker was only making $10 million at the end. Katie Couric steals $15 million a year. The original C.S.I. guy makes $500,000 an episode. Charlie Sheen makes half that per episode. Someone pays Tyra $3.5 million for that show?!

--Michael will be back on Lost. Also told to us at Comic-Con was that Season 4 will have both flashbacks and flashforwards, we’ll find out why Ben was on the other side of the island when he got caught up in the net a coupla seasons ago, we’ll find out more about Libby, and Shannon will be back for ABC’s first nude scene…we can dream.

--Easiest bust of the week comes to us from Arkansas. There Patrolman Chris Castleberry was chilling in his cruiser when Thomas Michael Everett pulled up alongside him. Thomas told the cop that he had a gambling problem and to support it he had robbed banks in three states. The cop said he understood and told Thomas a couple of bad beat stories and then they played heads-up for each other’s car OR the cop took Thomas to jail. I forget how this one ended.

--Tell me R. Kelly is not coming out with ten new installments of Trapped in the Closet.

--WTF is this?!

--At this point it would be easier to count the non-porn stars who are on Bret Michaels’ Rock of Love.

--Note to racists: Leave Boise State RB Ian Johnson and his soon to be wife, who happens to be white, the hell alone.
Personal threats? Threatening letters? Get over it people.

--R.I.P. Skip Prosser.

Questions, comments or if you’re pissed because you forgot to tape To Catch a Predator this week…

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