Monday, May 14, 2007

I'm a kleptomaniac K-Mart shoplifter

That Makes Sense

Despite the fact Phil Garner likes the versatility a lineup with one or two guys hitting .220 or worse the Astros have won a couple of series as they head into a stretch of six more at home. Really Phil, what’s it gonna take to get Morgan Ensberg a permanent spot on the bench? He’s lost it. Injury or not (and he should have been more honest about it at the time) he was horrible last season. This season the only question fans ask themselves when he walks up to the plate is: Lookin’ or Swingin’? Granted, it’s a fun game to play, but c’mon. It’s not like the alternatives at 3B are barely hitting their weight. A more recent all-star than Morgan, Mark Loretta is hitting .355 while some guy named Mike Lamb is at .419 after a huge Saturday. One of those guys must be in the lineup every night. Seems simple enough. One more question, why in the hell is Orlando Palmeiro on this team? What other Major League roster would he be on except this one? He was a good pinch-hitter. Was! He’s below .200 now and has zero versatility unlike Chris Burke who y’all forced to all but demand a trade. Nice job. I’ve never heard a manager call a player he is sending down a “leader” on the same day he’s shipping him to Triple A. Lead those Express, Chris. Weak. Let’s see what else, oh yeah, how the hell is Brandon Backe almost back from freakin’ Tommy John surgery while Jason Jennings is just barely ahead of him in rehab for his elbow injury? Somehow they’re around .500 and that’s good enough to stay in the wild card mix most years, not the Central this year because the Brewers are really this good. The Astros appear to be really this average.

--Adam Everett’s OPS is a terrible .556 while Mike Lamb’s slugging % alone is .581.

--Seriously in 19.1 fewer innings Wandy has one fewer strikeout than Roy.

--Jeff Weaver was 0-6 with a 14.32 ERA. When your ERA is close to the year that Columbus discovered America you might have a problem. In Jeff Weaver’s case he’s been shut down with gingivitis. Oh wait, I mean tendonitis. Gingivitis would have been more original, but whatever Jeff it’s your lost season.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--The Warriors have made it six straight games with at least 30 three-point attempts. Yeah, that’s an NBA playoff record. It would be the longest streak in the regular season since the 95-96 Mavericks did it in 12 straight games.

--Some post-draft over/under win totals came out the other day. They nailed a great number for the Texans at 6.5 wins. Tough call on that one. That’s the same as the Vikings. The Bills and Lions are at 6 with the Browns at 5.5. The Raiders’ over/under on wins is 1…okay, it’s really 5 and I’ll definitely take the under. The highest total belongs to the Patriots at 11. Junior Seau back?! The Colts and Chargers at 10.5. The Jaguars at 8.5 and rounding out the AFC South the Titans at 7.

--The Yankees put chains across their aisles so you can’t leave your seat during God Bless America?! They’re the only team that plays it every game too.

--Best news of the week…Friday Night Lights was picked up for another season. It’s going to be hard to top the first one, but they’ll git r done. Of course, a big thank you to NBC which is going to show FNL in that hot time slot of 9PM on Friday nights. Yeah, let’s show a high school football show on the same night our target audience is at high school football games. F’n Brilliant!! Southlake Carroll put its season tickets on sale the other day for its upcoming football season. It plays in a 7,500 seat stadium and had 92 whole seats available this offseason. For the low, low price of $600 you too could enjoy all of four home games. Oh yeah, you also had to pay $90 for a seat license that gives you the right to that seat for the next three years. So in line you had parents whose kids are in elementary and junior high trying to get tickets to assure seats by the time their kids are in high school. Apparently football kind of a big deal in Texas. Who knew?

--Last week on Lost we all saw that Uncle Rico wasn’t very kind to Ben on his birthday what with his, “You were born and your mother died because of it” blah-blah-blah. Danny Ribbott of Jersey also a strong candidate for Father of the Year. Saturday night Dannyboy took his two-year-old to a family member’s house for his son’s birthday party. Sunday morning Dannyboy woke up in bed and had no idea where not only his boy, but where his car was. Apparently Danny had parked blocks away from his house and stumbled home forgetting things like, you know, his car, and oh yeah, that little booger who is always calling him Daddy. The entire family started looking for him and found Daddy’s Lexus in some parking lot where cops were about to break the glass to get the kid and his bag o’ potato chips out. Apparently you could tell that the car was almost broken into overnight as there was a footprint on one window and scratches on another. Danny’s brother Rudy with the quote of the day regarding his bro, “Unfortunately, one drink too many.” One?!

--Next season Heroes will have 30 episodes including 8 Origins episodes where viewers will be introduced to a new character each week and then vote online to decide which ones to keep for the following season.

--After watching five minutes of Eight Below with the dogs, who by the way out-acted Paul Walker every step of the way, I’ll add seals to the worthless Antarctica animals list joining walruses. C’mon seals let a sled dog get a piece of that rotting killer whale. Walruses, you know what you did on Planet Earth. Consider your species all On Notice!

--Writing of On Notice….way to bring a touch of class to Colbert, Jane Fonda. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of female guests sit on Stephen’s lap trying to screw him while he’s attempting to conduct an interview. Happens all the time.

--Another season of My Name is Earl is in the books and what a finale. Jamie Pressly/Joy out of jail. Earl in. Very underrated show with a tag team of hotties in Joy and Catalina that are tough to beat.

--Cannot wait for The Office finale this Thursday. Note to Pam and the writers: When you have Pam tease that she’s going to the beach in a two-piece then it would be nice if you actually showed Pam at the beach in a two-piece. How money was Creed with his successful bare-handed fishing technique.

“Tell them I’m floating down the river, obviously!”

--Whoa, Floyd wants Oscar again or Tito. Mighty brave of you Floyd!

--One of the best boxing sites out there is and one of its readers sent this very fitting idea in:

At some point in the not to distant future Las Vegas is going to have a fight, where they will ring the bell 10 times in tribute to Diego Corrales. Could you try and convince them to stop at 9, and just assume that wherever Diego is, he just got up and punched somebody? – Kirk.

--Donald Trump and Mark Cuban can’t play nice. Trump fired first dogging Cuban for his cancelled stab at a reality show and said the Mavericks would never win because Cuban isn’t a winner. Cuban responded to Page Six with this:
"I guess Donald is still upset that he can't afford to buy an NBA team. No doubt the cash requirements of more than $10,000 created a problem for him. Hopefully he will sell enough Trump Steaks, Trump Perfume and Trump Dolls to save some money and buy a team. Then we can see how he does. Until then he is a wannabe that needs to get a new spiel."See a Sharper Image catalog near you to see what Trump Steaks are all about.

--Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian?!

--Deputies in Florida arrested a 31-year-old man for growing marijuana. He was busted with 94 plants. No joke, dude’s name is Jason Stoner.

--In case you’re into that…Nudist camps are offering big-time discounts to college students and others under the age of 40. Apparently our nation’s young, who drop their clothes faster than Kobayashi eats a hot dog, aren’t down with the whole nudist camp thing.

--I had some mean ass teachers back in my school days (I’m looking at you Mrs. Hall), but none like the 6th grade teachers at a school in Tennessee. These teachers took about 69 students out on a field trip to the state park and on the last night of the trip the teachers thought it would be educational? fun? amusing? to tell all of their students that a gunman was on the loose so lie down on the floor and stay down. So yeah, seeing as the Virginia Tech tragedy was all of 3 weeks in the past the kids were crying and thinking this was it for them. Most probably hoping their loved ones would put up a bad ass My Death Space profile in their honor. One teacher actually dressed up in a dark hoodie and rattled one of the door handles. Poor kids not only do they have to be raised in Tennessee, but they have to deal with teachers like this who, so far, have not been disciplined.

--In case you were wondering there is such a thing as internal decapitation. It occurs when the skull separates from the spine. 30-year-old Shannon Malloy of Denver had this happen to her after a car wreck and miraculously she’s alive to talk about it.

--For his next trick David Blaine will dive off of the Brooklyn Bridge. Yawn. I do like his NBA spots though. Yao or Yaos?

Questions, comments or if you know where I can find Dual Clean replacement heads for my Oral B Vitality, seriously…

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