Friday, December 15, 2006

Girls- And In The Bathroom

Only Three More Fun, Inspiring, Exciting Games Left

That’s right only three more times to watch David Carr complete 17 passes in a row while gaining only two first downs in the process. Only three more times to watch that awesome Houston two-minute drill. Only three more times to watch Eric Moulds get one catch. Only three more times to watch bubble screens to Jeb Putzier. Only three more times to watch Andre Johnson’s best years go to waste. Only three more times to be reminded of what could’ve been. Only three more times to watch Mario Williams tear up opposing offensive lines. Only three more times you have to get your puke bucket out to sit with you as you endure another loss. Enjoy.

--Four Sports Illustrated covers in 13 months for Vince Young. How many in five f’n years for the Texans?

--The Texans are better than the Titans at one thing. Passing plays of 40+ yards…Houston- 3. Tennessee- 0. Chew on that Nashville.

--Andre Johnson hasn’t gone over the 100-yard mark since Week 7 and has one TD since Week 8.

--His status is up in the air for the Cowboys game, but I’d love to see Jerious Norwood get a full load of carries for Atlanta. Not once, but twice this season he’s gone over 100 yards on fewer than 10 carries.

--Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew = 2,297 yards from scrimmage. LaDainian Tomlinson and Michael Turner = 2,280 yds.

--Cellblock Cincy has 8 wins to go along with 8 arrests. One of those not T.J. Houshmazoo…

--Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan are done.


Well, that’s just fantastic. All the Astros had to give up to bring in a Twinkies-loving pitcher who hasn’t won more than 9 games since 2004, has a career ERA of 4.74 and has one more year left on his contract is the best defensive player who has sick, sick speed and a pitcher who a year ago was ranked as the organization’s top prospect by Baseball America and did nothing but go 13-2 with a 2.10 ERA in Round Rock and put together a nice little consecutive innings shutout streak of 44 and a third. Honestly I don’t think Jason Jennings is all that fat…I mean bad, it’s just giving up players and prospects for a guy who if he pitches great will get a lot of jack from someone next season and oh yeah, they wouldn’t have had to give up anyone to bring Andy Pettitte back.

--Tigers all-world reliever Joel Zumaya missed three games in the ALCS because of forearm pain not caused by pitching, but by too many hours playing Guitar Hero?! Now, I’ve definitely got to get that game.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Heather Locklear and Jonathan Schaech?! You may remember Schaech from such classic sequels as Poison Ivy 2 or 8 MM 2 or my personal favorite, Road House 2: Last Call.

--So I’m doing some shopping when I see a great gift for that Lou Diamond Phillips fan in your family. They have a special LDP DVD pack with three outstanding movies from his career. Go ahead and name the other two besides La Bamba that you think are in this…I’ll wait…done? Did you put down Bats and, the only movie I’ve ever walked out of, The Big Hit? No, love for Chavez y Chavez and Young Guns? Maybe Stand and Deliver?
Who is forcing who to watch Garfield? If it's Dad get CPS on the phone.

--Congratulations to 20-year-old Lindsey Lohan who claims she’s made it an entire week without a drink. Make it two weeks with panties and you can start feeling proud of yourself.

--One lawsuit down for Borat. The one with those idiot frat brothers was rightfully dismissed.

--Because I’ve never seen Toy Story and Requiem for a Dream is the best movie I’ll never see again…

--I'm an html idiot and can't link this properly, but it should have been to a list of 10 fictional women who make it hard to date real women. Strong list including the likes of Natalie Portman/Sam from Garden State, Ali from Karate Kid, Beth from Road Trip and every woman who’s ever been on Entourage. Two omissions on a list that could run strong 25-deep…Diane Court from Say Anything and
Penny Lane from Almost Famous.
If we’re including television then the easy number 1 is Pam from The Office. Easy.
Cue the "you f'd up" chants for Jim.

--Burn of the week comes to us from Angela talking to one of the Asian waitresses Michael brought back…"you don't see me going into your house and taking your hello kitty backpack." Michael marking his chick = priceless. Can’t forget about Michael’s Bros before Hoes speech.

--I don’t have kids so I don’t know what I’d do if my 3-year-old boy wet his pants. I know what I wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t do what Aron Pritchard of Hutchinson, Kansas did. He tossed his 3-year-old boy and 2-year-old daughter into the clothes dryer. The boy suffered some burns in learning his lesson and the girl came out injury-free with a distinct odor of Bounce. Daddy’s doing laundry in jail now.

--The founder of No Fear Sportswear killed himself?! Apparently Marty Moates was living in a lot of pain caused by his motorcycle racing days and so decided he had had enough.

--There’s a funny way to mock Asians and there’s an unfunny (word?) way. Rosie’s fat, hypocritical way = unfunny. And when you’re stealing your material from Shaq you got problems.

--Give it up one more time for the 109th Congress. In its wildly successful two-year run the 109th passed 383 pieces of legislation. More than a quarter of those went to the all-important naming and renaming of federal buildings, mostly post offices. That’s why we can now visit national treasures such as the Karl Malden U.S. Post Office in Los Angeles or the Ava Gardner U.S. Post Office in Smithfield, North Carolina. You’ve got your work cut out for you 110th.

--Evel Kneivel is suing Evel Kanyevel for his “Touch the Sky” video. I’m not saying Evel doesn’t like black people, but, "That video that Kanye West put out is the most worthless piece of crap I've ever seen in my life, and he uses my image to catapult himself on the public."

--It could really use more and more realistic football, but Friday Night Lights is getting better and better. Lyla…

--The Die Hard 4 trailer is out on YouTube. I’d put it here, but I didn’t want to waste your time.
--Do yourself a favor and get Beatles LOVE. Out-standing! Somehow, some way they should have found room for a little Rocky Raccoon though. It doesn't get better than The White Album.

--Matt Damon on the man, the myth, the Matthew McConaughey…

--A new season of Extras on HBO is just a month away.

--Terrence Howard as Rick James in a biopic?!

--Ryan Reynolds as The Flash?!

--Traffic cops in Toronto had a nice thing going until one goody two-shoes cop ruined it for everyone. Apparently the officers got to knock off work early once they reached a 25 ticket quota. Some Serpico wanna be refused to play along and ruined everybody’s fun.

--In a huge upset or maybe not Black Men’s Magazine Sexiest Woman of the Year is none other than Vida Guerra. By the way, next year Miss Badonkadonk (sp?) will start her own all-girl music group.

--Kevin Federline wants a hell of a lot of money or he’s going to write a tell-all including Britney’s theories on time travel?! That’s a threat? I, for one, am interested in hearing Miss Spears’ ideas, which I’m sure were inspired by either Back to the Future or Donnie Dar…no it has to be Back to the Future. C’mon Kevin you’re talking about a woman who hangs out with Paris and no longer wears panties or bras so your little book isn’t so big and scary.

--R.I.P. Peter Boyle

Questions, comments or if you ever had a flat tire and Nelson Toro saved your ass…

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