I'm Telling Her Every Lie That You Know That I Never Did

Thank God We’re Not The Raiders

It’s been a long time since I truly wanted the Texans to walk off the field winners. Last year unraveled so quickly that I was thinking Reggie Bush by this time and every loss, I assumed, got Houston one step closer. This year it’s not so much that I wanted them to lose, I just didn’t really care. Of course, along came the Dallas game and hate overcame indifference. I did care and I did want them to win and I did think they would. Yeah, the Cowboys have more talent. But until noon or really halftime on Sunday the Texans owned the Cowboys. A 6-3 lead on the road and not only could Houston walk away with a win, but Dallas’ entire season would have been blowed up. This week we’d be talking about Bill Parcells telling Jerry Jones, “T.O. goes or I go.” We’d be talking about Tony Romo replacing Drew Bledsoe. We’d be talking about David Carr putting it all together. We’d be talking about how the Texans got a large portion of their Vince/Reggie fans back. We’d be talking about which beatdown of the Cowboys was better. We’d be talking about Houston’s incredible 1-2 running punch of Ron Dayne and Samkon Gado. Okay, a Texans’ win probably wasn’t going to be because of the running game. It sucks. It may not have been pretty, but bottom line was the Texans had the lead at the break. After that, well you saw it, turnovers, penalties, 1-yard runs, turnovers, no deep passing game, no defense, no nothing except an avalanche of T.O. TDs. Oh well, it happens. At least Mario had his best game and, unfortunately, that’s about the only thing I’ll take out of that one. That and Philip Buchanon never needs to be on the field again for anything other than a punt return (since released, thanks Charley...moron...although it's not like those draft picks were going to be even marginal players). Other than that, same old, same old. This team is so many players and maybe coaches away it’s not even funny. Well, maybe a little, just not after a loss to the stinkin’ Cowboys.

--Sometimes it’s better to be a Cowboy. Sometimes it’s better to be a Texan. Sometimes it’s better to be an Oiler.


--Watching ESPNnews Sunday night it was funny seeing the bottom line recapping the Cowboys/Texans game, showing David Carr’s stats and then in parentheses (0 sacks). How sad that that has to be highlighted when talking about David Carr?

--Good luck Seth Payne.

--I’m not sure what kind of offseason additions are forthcoming along Houston’s offensive line, but Raiders OT Chad Slaughter looks like a candidate what with his four false start penalties Sunday night. Oakland 0-5 for the first time since 1964.

--Under Bill Cowher the Steelers are 114-12-1 when leading at the half. Ridiculous.

--This is the worst call I’ve ever seen. The Bengals could have sealed the game up and really did by recovering this fumble, but no, the refs called a roughing the passer and so the Bucs hung on to the ball and marched in for the game winning score.


That was the first loss for the Bengals against an NFC opponent since 2003.

--There’s nothing like watching young men, not only looking to educate themselves, display their love for the game of football every weekend. This weekend Miami and Visible Changes U. (that doesn’t sound right), oh, Florida International came together for a football game for the first time ever despite the fact their campuses are only separated by nine miles. You’ve seen the way the players honored themselves, their schools and the game of football. I’m sure after some cool down time the players will say the right things and be accountable.
Miami’s Kenny Phillips, "It's not our fault. Whatever it was, it wasn't us."
Miami QB Kyle Wright, "It's something they started, And our guys finished it. ... They're going home with a 35-0 loss and they're 0-7."
I’m sure former Miami WR Lamar Thomas said the right thing while he was broadcasting the game, "Now, that's what I'm talking about. You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB playing that stuff. You're across the ocean over there. You're across the city. You can't come over to our place talking noise like that. You'll get your butt beat. I was about to go down the elevator to get in that thing. I say, why don't they just meet outside in the tunnel after the ball game and get it on some more?”
Stay classy, Miami.

--Shocking as it is, Charles Barkley delivered the best line on Monday Night Football…after watching Jay-Z’s new video Sir Charles, “He shouldn’t do videos without Beyonce.”
Pay whatever you need to and let Charles replace Theismann. Pretty please.

Friday Night Lights

South Sevier and Richfield don’t mess around when it comes to game week in Utah. South Sevier’s mascot is a ram, but apparently Richfield couldn’t come up with a ram. A sheep, on the other hand, no problem. So early Wednesday morning on the goalpost at South Sevier’s field was a dead ewe hanging from a chain wrapped around its neck. Before PETA gets all upset about the brutality and viciousness of hanging a sheep, it’s important to note the ewe was first shot in the head. Let’s hear from the South Sevier coach, "It's part of the rivalry," the coach said. "It gives our kids an incentive to play harder."
Rewind. Shooting and then hanging a sheep from a goalpost is “part of the rivalry” and “an incentive to play harder.” So if a sheep wasn’t needlessly slaughtered your team may not have been ready to play?

Alberton High in Montana had its football season cancelled by the school. Why? Well some of the kids thought it would be fun to tape a student to the ceiling of a school bus they were all riding in. Forget the fact that two coaches or even the bus driver didn’t notice someone taped to the freakin’ ceiling. The school didn’t learn about it until a parent saw a pic on the cell phone of her daughter.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Kevin Federline on CSI…yawn. Kevin Federline getting FU’d by John Cena on Raw…yawn, with a slight smile.

--It’s hard to get away with crime in Omaha, Nebraska no matter how careful you are. For example, early the other morning a genius robber was driving along with his loot and an alert driver called the cops on the robber because the robber’s car was deemed suspicious. Why?
“It was deemed suspicious because it had a safe attached to it by a chain and the driver was dragging it through the intersection of 45th and Hamilton.”
You know you put so much work into something and then someone sticks his nose into your business and your genius plan of dragging a 500 pound safe behind you car unravels. So to Plan B, which consisted of getting out of the car and running if/when the cops see you. Plan B = successful.

--Scarlett Johannsson is coming out with an album?!

--I watched the first episode of Flava of Love and the last so I missed the memo about bringing back last year’s loser/finalist New York who may or may not be the craziest person in the world. Then again Deelishis did tell Flav that after last season’s run of shows she made a poster of Flav and slept with it. Of course to him, that sounded normal and sweet. Apparently he has a scar fetish because he went with Deelishis over New York and NY was none too happy. I’m not sure if there is a known record for bleeps over a two-minute span, but I’m sure the record belongs to New York.

--Damn you Heroes for giving me another show I have to DVR.

--There are dumbass criminals and then there are Dumbass criminals. Stuart Ross, 18, and Thomas Yule, 20, of Peterborough, Ontario fall under the latter category. Late one night last week these good citizens were in a pick-up and ran off the road hitting a stop sign and a parking meter. Cops got there about 2:30 AM, but the geniuses were gone by then. The cops then went to a nearby parking lot to fill out some paperwork when they noticed a truck pull up to the accident scene. Stuart and Thomas got out, picked up the broken meter and started carrying it to their truck as a souvenir of their wild and crazy night…which ended up with them getting charged with possession of stolen property, careless driving and blah, blah, blah.

--Wesley Snipes facing federal tax fraud charges?! Blade: Fourbidden, here we come.

--So Clint Eastwood is directing two movies about Iwo Jima? Flags of Our Fathers from the American perspective and Letters from Iwo Jima from the Japanese point of view?! The latter is going to be released here next year in subtitles. Sounds like a great idea.

--Movie I'm glad I revisited over the weekend...Do The Right Thing.
Let me tell you the story of "Right Hand, Left Hand." It's a tale of good and evil. Hate: It was with this hand that Cane iced his brother. Love: These five fingers, they go straight to the soul of man. The right hand: the hand of love. The story of life is this: Static. One hand is always fighting the other hand; and the left hand is kicking much ass. I mean, it looks like the right hand, Love, is finished. But, hold on, stop the presses, the right hand is coming back. Yeah, he got the left hand on the ropes, now, that's right. Ooh, it's the devastating right and Hate is hurt, he's down. Left-Hand Hate K.O.ed by Love.

--Paris and Lindsey: Friends Again? There is a God.

--Finally after many sad years I will be busting my Vegas cherry next week. I believe I am the only person in our great nation to have gone to Atlantic City three times and Vegas none.

Questions, comments or if you’ve ever actually read Alice in Wonderland…