Thursday, October 19, 2006

Hey Ladies, Get Funky

Won’t You Be Our Rival?

The Texans only get the Cowboys once every four years. You can’t really have a good rivalry if both teams are down so that eliminates the Titans, plus it’s hard to root against Vince. That leaves us with the Jaguars who’ve brought out the best of the Texans. The all-time series sits at 4-4 with Jacksonville sweeping last year. This season the Jags are 3-2 losing by 7 to the Colts and then somehow getting into and losing a shootout against the Redskins 36-30. Of course, they followed that with a 41-0 smackdown of the Jets, so who knows what to expect from them Sunday. Jacksonville averages nearly 24 points a game, a threshold the Texans have gotten to once this season. There will be a lot of Byron Leftwich to Reggie Williams, a lot of Fred Taylor slashing, and a lot of Maurice Drew-Jones dashing. We know how good that defense is although Marcus Stroud could miss this one. I don’t give the Texans a chance against many good teams, but the Jaguars are one that Houston always seems to play tough and hopefully Sunday is no exception. I don’t expect a win, I’m just hoping for a non-collapse.

We Must Protect This House!!!!

Obviously a big story this week has been about the “dirty whores” supposedly targeting Reliant Stadium this very Sunday. That’s right on a Sunday, the day of our Lord, these “dirty whores” are alleged to be arriving by the truckload. Trucks?! What your heels are too uncomfortable to transport you there? How many of you tailgaters are enticed? What would your family say? We’ve long had a problem with “dirty whores” in this community.

(Danny, it’s dirty…)

No, wait, let me finish,

Why just the other day I was offered a, well a, umm…well, bottom line is she said it would cost me 20 f@#%in’ dollars. So I says, “20 f@#%n’ dollars?! You dirty whore, last week that dirty whore over there said it would cost me only 10 f@#%n’ dollars. What’s wrong with you dirty whores?”
And both of these chicks looked like they couldn’t even get on Flavor of Love. If you’re gonna be a “dirty whore” at least appear like you’ve seen a shower and met a toothbrush since last spring.

(Danny, you’re getting this all wron…)

Wait! You had your turn and now this is my time.

“Dirty whores,” you’re representing this city to out-of-towners and I don’t like travelers going back home and telling their friends about Houston’s ugly, dirty whores. We’re already one of the fattest cities so we could use some good pub. And won’t somebody please think of the children? All week they’re gonna be hearing about the “dirty whores” at Reliant Stadium and they get enough of “dirty whores” from watching the Bratz. And pimps, let’s not forget about you. Dropping off “dirty whores” by the truckload at NFL stadiums is just too easy. C’mon guys, why not take a challenge and drop them off at a WNBA game and try to sell them to those guys? Then we’ll see what kind of skills you have. Bottom line, call the Texans and tell them if “dirty whores” are going to be at the game, you won’t be. Thank you.

(Danny, it’s actually “dirty bombs.” A web site said “dirty bombs” would be set off at Reliant.)

Oh, that’s something different entirely.

--The Texans have more sacks (10) than the Bucs (9) or the Colts (8).

--The Broncos are allowing just 7.4 points per game. The record is 9.2 by the ’77 Falcons. As good as Denver’s defense is it has as many sacks as Houston and is -2 in turnover ratio. Who leads in takeaway-giveaway? No, not the Bears (thank you Rex), not the Ravens, but the Rams at +11. You’ve probably heard that Denver has allowed just one touchdown. Atlanta has allowed just two.

--Despite not playing the last two weeks, Daunte still leads in sacks with 21.

--Now that David has come back down to earth, the only QBs with ratings over 100? Donovan McNabb and? And? Phillip Rivers. Who’s completing a higher percentage of passes than David’s 69.6%? No one.

--Guys with more receiving yards than Chad Johnson’s 300. Desmond Clark, Amani Toomer, Mike Furrey, Derrick Mason (0 catches last week), Wes Welker and so on…

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Sadly “E” couldn’t hang on to Nicky Hilton. “The Old E” would have gotten away with cheating on a Hilton sister. Let’s take a look at “Old E” in my favorite Rocky, Rocky V

--I caught The Machinist the other night on one of the movie channels. Holy stick figures Batman! Nicole Richie suggested Christian Bale work in a hamburger for that one. That’s one weird and creepy movie.

--On November 3rd two landmark cinematic achievements open up head-to-head, mano-a-mano for all the movie marbles. In this corner we have the hilarious, outrageous, impossible to overhype, incredibly awkward, genius, international man of intrigue, without further ado gentlemen, horses, dogs, rats, cockroaches and women…the Man from Kazakhstan…Booooooooooooraaaaaat!!!!!!
And in this corner at a combined weight of whatever the sum is of two pieces of crap as heavy as the first two Santa Clauses. That’s right, Tim the Toolman Taylor is back in his first role since his breakout hit The Shaggy Dog and joining Taylor is the man who last made us laugh back in 1989 as Ned Nederlander in Three Amigos…Martin Short!
Let’s Get It On!!
I probably shouldn't admit I still remember how to do their little dance.

--Tell me Britney isn’t asking her fans to help sell Kevin Federline’s new album. Tell me Britney is not offering a chance to party with her and her no-talent husband on Halloween for whichever of her fans sells the most. Tell me 2nd prize isn’t the shoes that Federline wore at The Teen Choice Awards. Tell me the 3rd place prize isn’t a $200 gift certificate. Tell me that runners-up don’t get stupid ass medallions that Federline wears. Tell me that Britney doesn’t have another K-Fed bun in the oven.

(Dear Danny,
Britney is not pregnant.)

Thanks. I was beginning to think she lost her ever-loving mind.

And before we leave these two let’s revisit Raw and the Best Week Ever remix of the best thing John Cena has ever done…

--If I was a rich man…
Odds of this going over $10 grand...very good.

--Oh, the print and Internet tabloids, ripe with gay rumors about Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey just because they spend a lot, a lot of time together. The bongo player told Details, “We tried. It just wasn’t for us.” Lance, “It's like, either you sleep with everything that moves or you're gay.”
Now that’s a guy who gets it…..a lot of it.

-Chris Rock's mother is suing Cracker Barrel?!

--How ridiculously hot is Minka Kelly/Lyla on Friday Night Lights? She’s 26 and is apparently good friends with Donald Faison a.k.a. lucky scrub.

--Oh Lord help us...Flavor of Love has inspired a spin-off dubbed Flavorette. You know the lady who will have 20 bachelors trying to impress her. Yes, New York. Incredibly more than 7.5 million people watched Sunday's Flavor of Love season finale.

--Best news of the week...Radiohead is starting to make headway on its next album.

--Petra Nemcova and James Blunt no more.

--Scary Spice is having Eddie Murphy’s baby?!?!?

--DrudgeReport headline that I probably don’t need to click on to understand the story:
“Man decapitates, dismembers and cooks girlfriend before leaping to death in the French Quarter.”

--Elementary schools in Wyoming, Washington and now Massachusetts have banned kids from playing tag because they’re scared of kids getting hurt and the schools being held liable. That’s nice. Maybe there’s a way they can be bubble-wrapped and wear a helmet before recess.

--Welcome back, Locke the Hunter.
Someone's lost.

--Patrick Stom Jr. of Jacksonville is accused of strangling Christopher Chamberlain back in 2002. After strangling him for a while Patrick is accused of then shooting Christopher (former business partner) in the back of the head, taking the body into the woods, setting it on fire, and then chopping off the head, which he then threw in a creek. Patrick is claiming self-defense. Well, duh, it’s self-defense. This should be a speedy trial.

--You have to do something pretty special to make your teacher/student sex story stand out from all of the others. Ms. Withrow of Cleveland is accused of having sex with a 5th grade student three years ago. The student just now came forward and according to reports Ms. Withrow also slept with the student’s father. Talk about Open House.

--Parents of teenagers probably don’t want to click here…

Questions, comments or if you’re a stone cold gentleman…

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