Thursday, August 17, 2006

When I Wrote Graffiti My Name Was Slop

Hands Are Washed. I’m Through With You.

The more things change, the more shutout innings the Astros offense accumulates. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I was at each of the last two losses and I was washing my hands of this team before that miraculous two-out, four-run rally that gave the Astros a 6-5 lead on Tuesday. Brad Lidge came on and you know how that worked out. Just about every one of those extra innings Houston had a guy on and it just didn’t matter. The bases loaded and one out and it just didn’t matter. Chris Burke reaches base four out of five times and it just didn’t matter. The Borker was in for five shutout innings and it just didn’t matter. This team is not a good one and it does not have a good in-game manager. Every odd button Phil Garner pushed last year worked. Every Jason Lane/Brad Lidge/Morgan Ensberg button he’s pushed this year has failed spectacularly. Despite a starting staff that rivals any other team’s this team ain’t making a miraculous run. Maybe they’ll win five or six in a row and tease, but I just can’t see this team closing the deal. That’s what they get the classless way they let Preston Wilson go. They knew they were going to have to make a roster move and yet they let the respected, well-liked veteran show up on a sunny Saturday afternoon when the team seems to be hitting its stride and they drop an unexpected ax on him. I just don’t get it. Yeah, we all thought he was going to hit a minimum of 25 HRs and he only hit 9. The guy was hitting .301 with runners in scoring position and last time I checked that has been the ‘A’ number 1 weakness of this team in 2006. Ooooo, scary, some team claimed Jason Lane off waivers so you can’t send him down. Good, let him go somewhere else. By the time next season rolls around he’ll be 30, if he’s not contributing now then when?? He spent his prime years in the minors and on the bench and that’s on the team and I just don’t see him coming around now. It’s probably best for him and the team if he moves on. Phil can’t give him any more of a chance than he did in April in May when Lane was a full-time player who at the end of May was hitting .194. By the way, the Astros have yet to win since Preston was basically let go. I guess the good part is the Astros saved a million dollars. Whatever. I’m sick of this team. I’m sick of the way this franchise handles its players. I’m sick of Junction Jack’s weight loss. I’m sick of leaving runners on third. I’m sick of Roger being wasted. I’m sick of Phil’s decisions and his penchant for giving guys chance after chance after chance when the results never change. I’m sick of rookie pitchers shutting the Astros out. I’m sick of the Attendance Quiz. I’m sick of it all.
We all want to believe, but it’s becoming clear this team is not worth believing in. We appreciate the last two years, but we’re mad as hell about this one.

--If you don’t care or have outgrown Madden then you skip the next half page because it’s nothing, but nuts and bolts Madden 07.

Christmas Is Almost Here

The only day better than the day Madden comes out is the day all of the ratings are released and that day was yesterday. Of course, we begin our journey with the Houston Texans and the number one overall pick. Mario checks in as the 10th highest rated Texan at 86 overall. (I know he’s not that, yet, but in parentheses will be Dwight Freeney’s numbers) He’s 85 (87) on speed with 90 (97) acceleration, 75 (76) on strength, 94 (99) on finesse moves and 86 (83) on shedding blocks. Okay, which Texan has the top overall grade? Andre? Dunta? Wand? No, it would be Mike Flanagan at 92 overall. Domanick and Dunta get 90’s. Domanick gets a 90?! Okay, I’ll be manually downgrading these numbers, but the game has Domanick’s injury, stamina and toughness grades all between 84 and 86. Andre is an 89 while Robaire is an 87 (we wish). Moulds is also an 87 with 85 hands (Andre’s are 86). David Carr is an 84. Philip Buchanon gets a 64 on toughness, which is one point fewer than rookie Owen Daniels. Jason Babin gets an 83 while Antwan Peek is at 81. For whatever reason Eric Winston is a 74 while Charles Spencer is a 67. Seth Wand at 76 (another we wish). Enough of them and onto Reggie Bush;
overall he’s an 87 (Deuce- 88), but Bush gets a 97 on speed, 98 on acceleration, 98 on agility, and 86 catching (Horn- 92). The cover boy Shaun Alexander is a 98 overall, with 91 speed, 98 acceleration, 94 on trucking and 98 on stamina. Terrell Owens is Dallas’ top player with a 97 overall including 93 speed and 98 catching. Incidentally Julius Jones is an 87 while Marion Barber III is an 81. I don’t think there’s that big a drop off. Billy Volek an 84 while Vince Young checks in at 82.

VY an 89 on speed, 92 on throwing power, 82 on accuracy and of course a 92 on elusiveness. The Colts have six players at 95 or better including Peyton’s 99. The rest of the Fightin’ 99s…Champ Bailey, LaDainian and Antonio, Shane Lechler, Ed Reed, and Walter Jones.
Other notables, Phillip Rivers- 83, Larry Johnson- 96, Warren Sapp- 86, Daunte- 92, Tom Brady- 98, Chad Johnson- 97, Carson- 95, Ray Lewis- 98, Roethlisberger- 92, Donovan McNabb- 94, Eli- 88, Alex Smith- 82, Edge- 96, Leinart- 81, Steven Jackson- 89 (worse than Domanick?!?!?), Chris Simms- 84 (same as Carr), Michael Vick- 91, Steve Smith- 97, Drew Brees- 92, Urlacher- 98, Roy Williams-UT- 88, and Favre- 88.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Jimmy Woods and his 20-year-old girlfriend, Ashley Madison are no more. If I told you the stress from that relationship sent him to the emergency room is that something you’d be interested in?

--Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson?!

--Borat with Entertainment Weekly. Between Borat and Oleg Maskaev this is the year of the Kazakhstanian? Kazakhstanite? Kazakhstanonian?

--Congratulations to Lonny Baxter for making the front page of Drudge with his shooting escapades. In case you didn’t hear, the former Rocket was driving around with one his boys near that place called The White House when they decided to go ahead and fire a gun for no apparent reason. Maurice Clarett thinks Lonny Baxter is a crazy moth********.

--There’s a How To Eat Fried Worms movie coming out?!

--Are we supposed to be surprised that Andy Dick allegedly licked Farrah Fawcett and Carrie Fisher’s faces, bit a journalist, urinated in front of her and offered her cocaine at William Shatner’s roast?
Planetary Intergalactic.

--In honor of the upcoming roast and in honor of the man, the myth, the Colbert we give you Colbert roasting Chevy Chase.

--As fantasy drafts approach here come the studies…According to one released on Wednesday fantasy owners cost their employers as much as $1 billion dollars in lost productivity in a given week. Apparently owners spend an average of 50 minutes a week messing with their teams instead of their boring, unfulfilling, thankless jobs. On average owners spend 34 minutes a day just thinking about their team and spend an average of $500 a year on fantasy sports. Dude, if you’re spending $500 a year on fantasy sports then you have a major, major problem. I mean you can use that money for online gambling or strip clubs or lottery tickets. You know life’s necessities.

--I’m just now going through season one, but Weeds is pretty damn good. Mary-Louise Parker is outstanding.

--You know we wonder why the youth seem to becoming less and less accountable and then we see f’d up stories like this….In Kenton, Ohio two dumbass teenage boys thought it would be hilarious to steal a deer decoy from a neighbor’s house. It only had two legs so they built a base for it to stand on. They placed the decoy in the middle of a road and then watched car after car swerve to miss it. Oh the hilarity. So along comes another car this one driven by a couple of teens. The car swerves and crashes into a pole and fence. The driver is facing his 11th surgery after a broken neck, collarbone, arm and leg. The other boy has brain damage. The hospital costs for the two are approaching a million dollars. Among other things like a fine and a 500-word essay the judge sentenced the dumbass boys to 60 days in juvenile detention. Oh, but before they serve that incredibly lengthy sentence they get to play out the football season with their team. Ain’t that just great! Unbelievable.

--My brain is still sore, but What The &*?@# Do We Know was very interesting/plain weird/stupid/intriguing/informative (if not factually wrong in some parts with beneficial omissions in others)/fun/different/new age weird. Did I mention the central message belongs to a woman channels a 35,000 year old god/warrior named Ramtha? It’s been showing on one of the Starz!

--We’ve been following this story for a while about the New Braunfels City Council and its battle with tubers over those “volume drinking devices” and gelatin alcohol shots. The wise men and women of the council have banned the use of Jello-shots in containers 5 fl. oz. or less. Jumbo Jell-O Shots coming to a river near you.

--It doesn’t get much more disturbing, rather romantic than what happened in Claremont, California the other day. A man and woman were joined in holy matrimony at their elementary school where they first met. They weren’t love at first sight and didn’t even speak throughout any levels of school. They met at some parade and I’ll just let Diana Sholley who wrote the article get to the sappiest lines I’ve seen in a long time: Their life journey began July 29, when, in front of about 200 friends, family members and a few former faculty members, the couple married in the courtyard at Sycamore. Felzer made a beautiful bride. With every step she took toward her husband-to-be, Felzer glowed with an aura that overshadowed her gorgeous dress, perfect white rose bouquet and crowning tiara. In her eyes, in her smile, in her heart, there was love. Lunch pails and recess now a faint memory, under sheltered lollypop trees the couple joined hearts, souls and cultures.
I’ll pause for you to call that special someone and remind them how much you love them…

--R.I.P. Bruno Kirby.

Questions, comments or if you don’t like dealing with things and prefer imagining they don’t exist…

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