Monday, May 01, 2006

It's A Mad World

Worst Weekend Ever

I don’t even know where to start. Even when the rumblings for Mario Williams grew strong last Thursday and early Friday I was sure it was just for leverage. I was sure the Texans were going to make the right pick for this team and for this city. I was sure the Texans were going to go with the guy who has been called a once in a lifetime running back. I was sure the Texans cared about their fans. I was sure the Texans were run by a competent owner. I was wrong. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This organization is a joke, plain and simple. Selecting Reggie Bush was a freakin’ no-brainer. Yes, the defense is bad. Yes, Kailee Wong is the franchise leader in sacks. Yes, Mario Williams is a super freak. But are we forgetting the offense sucked nearly as bad? The ones who’ve already ingested the Mario-kool aid keep touting that the defense was the league’s worst. Yeah, only the Niners allowed more yards per game in ranking 31st. What was their offensive yards per game rank? 30th. Oh, looks like the offense is just fine. My bad. Domanick Davis isn’t horrible, but he’s always banged up, he’s always getting caught from behind, and he’s never averaged more than 4.3 yards a carry. I just don’t get it.

I refuse, refuse to believe that Mario Williams was # 1 overall on their board over not only the best running back, but best returner and receiver in the draft. If so, then why did negotiations with Bush begin before negotiations with Williams? That makes as much sense as not firing Charley Casserly when you fired Dom Capers. How long has it been known that Casserly is a lame duck general manager? How many other organizations around the league would let a lame duck GM have a role in its draft? It’s clear Charley wants to take the brunt of the fans reaction. It was embarrassing for himself and the organization that he felt the need on Channel 13’s Inside the Game to actually ask where the camera was and then turn to it and say to the public that if you’re looking for someone to blame, look right here. No, Charley, we’re tired of blaming your sorry picks and your sorry free agent moves. That’s not good enough.

I can’t believe that signability was an issue. I mean if Bob McNair paid $700 million to get football back here he’s going to be wary of paying an incredible talent like Reggie a few million more than he thinks he should? Why is it so important for him to have the guy signed before the draft?

I wanted to think that Gary Kubiak was the right choice for the Texans, but who knows? I’m supposed to believe that our head football coach suddenly changed his mind after watching some tapes on Mario on Thursday. How many freakin’ months have you had to prepare for this? What have you been doing?

I was born and raised in Houston and have never felt more disappointment than I’ve felt this weekend. We have sat through four seasons of crappy football and our reward was getting the number 1 overall selection and getting the chance to have the most exciting running back on the planet to watch on Sundays. Now we get to watch a defensive end chase around Vince Young twice a year. He better catch him. Wonder why fans here in Houston are fair weather? Look no further than the owners and their decisions this city has been cursed with. Thank you for bringing football back to Houston, Bob. Now hire someone competent to run the franchise.

No offense, Mario. We were just expecting someone else.
But you better tear things up.

--While we're at it anything else you need from us New Orleans?

Is Anything Going To Go Right?

The Astros have now lost three of four since Mario Williams was named the pick. I’m not blaming the Texans for the losses, well okay I am. Anyway, the Astros were bound to play some good teams sometime and the time is now. Cincy is for real, at least as long as those starters keep doing just enough. The Brewers have loads of young talent. Later this week the Cardinals visit. Things may get worse, before they get better.

--I’ll get back to stats, the NBA playoffs, the NHL playoffs (yeah, right) on Friday.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--I am watching it totally out of order, but I’m digging the new Battlestar Galactica. It’s taken some time to get used to a female Starbuck and a young Baltar, but oh Tricia Helfer. If the cylons are going to look like her I’d like to be the first to welcome our robotic overlord friends.


--I don’t know why some of our most talented actors have to be dimwits sometimes. Johnny Depp is all pissy because a retail complex planned for construction would obstruct views from his mansion for his kids. His kids are 4 and 6 and we all know how much 4 and 6-year-olds appreciate scenic views. Whatever.

--The Daytime Emmys were last Friday while we were all shaking our heads in disbelief. I don’t know what Outstanding Directing in a Service Show entails, but Easy Entertaining’s Michael Chiarello won. It took me some time, but now I love that show. His is the good life. Outstanding Service Show went to Rachael Ray’s 30-Minute Meals. There was also the life-changing announcement that Rosie O’Donnell will replace Meredith Viera on The View.

--America you made RV the # 1 movie over the weekend. Wow, the movie-going public never surprises me. Robin Williams and Cheryl Hines do, though. What were they thinking?
What would Larry say about this career choice?

--In some of the only good news this weekend…Jessica Alba will host the MTV Movie Awards.

--Paramount was looking for a way to publicize Mission Impossible III without freaking everybody out with Tom Cruise. So it decided to put a gadget in over 4,000 LA Times newspaper boxes so that when you opened it up the song would start playing. Yeah, it seems that some people kind of slam those doors and yeah, the boxes fall down. So all the next person sees is an electronic device with wires sticking out from it. Yeah, those people thought the electronic boxes might be bombs. Yeah, the bomb squad actually blew up one of the newspaper boxes. No word on what fun the execs have for promoting Snakes on a Plane.

--Seriously, Heather Locklear and David Spade?!

--How great is that Troy Aikman/Emmitt Smith lottery commercial? I just can’t stop laughing. Whew, good stuff.

--Your e-Bay item of the week: A MiG-21f jet fighter, which was sold $24,730 from someone in Idaho to a man in Beijing. Yeah, I’m pretty sure the government may have a problem with this.

--I know we’ve visited this in the past, but here’s that entire six-page sex slave agreement on The Smoking Gun.

--Your dumbass MySpace profile of the week comes to us from 18-year-old Brian Hall who attends high school in Florida. Note to other kids: If you do not like your school then find a better way to express yourself than having a ticking clock on your profile counting down to the moment you intend to blow up the school. He’s trying to pass it off as a senior prank. And Mr. Hall how do you explain the brass knuckles and knife you have here at school? Oh and what about the marijuana pipe and two knives in your car? Dumbass.

--AskMen.com came up with a list of the top 10 unbreakable sports records. Shall we?
At # 10 it has Rocky Marciano’s 49-0 record as a heavyweight. # 9 we find Michael Schumacher’s 7 F-1 championships (who cares?). Ty Cobb’s .366 career average is 8 and that’s probably safe forever and ever. Next is Nolan’s 7 no-no’s. At 6 is Wayne Gretzky’s 215-point season (once again, who cares?). Wilt’s 100-point night is 5th. At 4 is John Wooden’s 88 straight wins (very, very safe). At # 3 we find Cy Young’s 511 wins. As the piece points out a pitcher would have to average, average 25 wins over 21 seasons and that ain’t ever happening. # 2 is Jerry Rice’s 22,895 receiving yards (that’s less likely to be broken than 511 wins?). The most unbreakable sports record according to AskMen.com is…wait for it….wait for it…Cal Ripken Jr.’s 2,632 consecutive games.
What award does Cy Young have in his honor? It's not as easy as you may thin...oh wait it is.

--I don’t regularly (or irregularly now that I think about it) go to church. But if I did it might be in Riverside at the non-denominational Christian church JC’s Girls Girls Girls. I think you can guess what or whom JC stands for the girls are the three main evangelists, two of which are former strippers. If you feel the need to better your life spiritually then by all means visit.

--In other adult entertainment news some neighbors in Los Angeles had a problem with one of their own renting out his house for a porn shoot. Probably shouldn’t have planned the shoot on Easter Sunday. The neighbors couldn’t do anything because the production company had a permit, which apparently aren’t too difficult to obtain. Wanna guess how many pornos are shot, on average, in Los Angeles in a given year? Oh roughly, 3,900. This particular one had a pair of identical twins performing sex acts in alphabetical order hence the title The Alphabet.

--Didn’t I just tell you last week that it would only be a matter of time before that hot teacher video made for that 13-year-old would be online?

--I am a vegetarian. I think vegans are crazy. I don’t know what to think about fruitarians. Wow I can’t believe spell check didn’t stop me on “fruitarians”. Anyway these people’s diets consist exclusively of raw fruit and seeds. I didn’t live in the hippie era, but did they talk like this???

“Be FREE…become a fruitarian…live in harmony…and experiment every day, strength and protection from the creative force that brought to this "blue planet": water, air, trees, flowers, animals and human beings… the power and "magic" of life …”
Fruit: It's what's for dinner.
And lunch. And breakfast. And any snacking.

--I think I speak for most when I say burn in h-e-double hockeysticks David Tuck. Sicko. I don’t quite understand how a Hitler spouting skinhead can beat and hurl racial slurs at a Hispanic and it’s not considered a hate crime. How does that work? The moron who tried to go after Dolphins DE Jason Taylor is facing hate crime charges in Florida. Redmond Burns was the idiot who ran Taylor off the road after the sack master honked his horn at him. Burns was only giving up about 7 inches and 100 pounds to Taylor so Burns grabbed a metal object and apparently barely scratched Taylor on the forearm before fleeing. Taylor followed Burns into a trailer park and then called the cops. The cops had their own fun with Burns. The dumbass punched and kicked one cop and then started trying to kick out a window in the police car. That’s when pepper spray calmed things down.

Questions, comments, or if you're still sick to your stomach...

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