Friday, May 12, 2006

Dear Mama

Now We Got Problems

1-6?! What’s that about? I guess the balloon had to deflate at some point and I guess that point came over the past week. 1-6 against the Rockies, Giants, and Dodgers?! Not exactly the Cardinals, Mets, and Phillies. The one win came despite another horrible, no good, very bad day from Brad Lidge. It looks like he’s got mental problems, mechanical problems, and location problems. I guess Phil will continue to run him out there so there will probably be some more 9th inning fun this weekend. Hopefully the bats will wake up as well. This team was more fun when everyone, but Preston Wilson was hitting. Now he’s about the only one. Wilson led the team in average at .450 and RBIs with 5. Lance Berkman, Morgan Ensberg, and Adam Everett all hit under .200. Ensberg had as many strikeouts (8) as total bases. Berkman had that 3-run homer and that was pretty much it.

--Not that this is new, but Craig Biggio is hitting .204 away from Minute Maid and .346 at home. Bidge is tops in the league in doubles followed, of course, by Damian Miller. Damian Miller?!

--Adam Everett has still yet to commit an error.

--Lance Berkman has fallen out of the top 10 in average, but Brad Ausmus is hanging in at 4th at .341.

--How is the greatest hitter on the planet, Albert Pujols, not first in walks? Bobby Abreu and Barry Bonds have walked more with Adam Dunn walking the same.

--Your idiot of the week comes to us from Los Angeles. There a psychologist named Michael Cohn is spearheading a class-action suit because he, other males, and fans under 18 were treated unequally by the Angels franchise last May. Cohn evidently feels although he is male he should receive the Mother’s Day tote bag that was given to mommies. He feels all of those who were “treated unequally” should receive $4,000 in damages. Idiot. So anyway this year every single fan male or female will get a Mother’s Day Ladies Tote Bag. Congratulations, moron.

It’s So Easy To Say Goodbye

Goodbye Charley, don’t let the door hit you in the Tony Hollings on your way out.


How boring would the NBA Playoffs be without the Suns? These 2nd round games have been brutal.

--As inevitable as Casserly’s departure was Chris Paul being named Rookie of the Year. Paul to every single first place vote except one, which inexplicably went to Deron Williams. Paul averaged 5.3 more points, 2.7 more rebounds, 3.3 more assists, 1.5 more steals, and shot better from the field and much better (85% to 70%) from the free throw line. Zero sense to vote for anyone other than Williams. No-brainer. Wait…did Kubiak and McNair have a vote?

--It seems Dennis Rodman and his dad don’t have such a good relationship. Evidently, the two hadn’t seen each other in over 10 years. That is until Daddy Rodman decided to visit Dennis in of all places, Manila where The Worm was playing in an exhibition game. Yeah, things didn’t go well considering Daddy had sold the rights to get himself on camera with Dennis. When Daddy tried to visit for the first time he brought along a camera crew and bodyguards. A scrum broke out and Daddy tried to punch Dennis’ bodyguard, but he missed. Daddy tried again to meet with his son at a hotel, but armed guards had other plans for Daddy dearest and chased him away.

School Daze

--Your idiot assistant principal of the week comes to us from Florida (anything just plain and normal happen there?). Tyrone Tinsley is facing a couple of felony charges. This freak is alleged to have helped a girlfriend get over her fight with her boyfriend by asking is she ever videotaped herself having sex so he could watch it and I guess gain a better perspective on the relationship. What the?!?! Evidently Tyrone liked that girl because another time he was alleged to ask her and her female friend, “if they would get together with each other.” Probably a good idea to keep this guy away from school grounds.

--Your other dumbass teacher of the week comes to us from Chicago. There a 7th grade art teacher is/was employed at a charter school. It seems teacher thought some students got some paint on her jacket. Teacher is then to have allegedly said, “all Mexicans are criminals,” and that they were “only born to clean floors.” Did I mention this was a Latino charter school? La profesora no inteligente.

--On Tuesday we took a look at some ex-lax cookies some kids and a role model of a mother came up with. Now we turn to Hot Springs, Arkansas where two 18-year-olds (presumably 9th graders) decided to spike their teachers’ tea with good ol’ ex-lax. Yeah, they’re in a bit o’ trouble.

--I was never much for senior pranks, senior skip days sure, but pranks not so much. Perhaps it’s because I find the following senior prank not very amusing. Some senior at Ponderosa High in Colorado got 45 baby chicks went up to the second floor balcony and dropped the baby chicks onto the first floor. Fortunately only seven of the forty-five died. I’m thinking this moron won’t be graduating.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--I finally got around to checking out Match Point and I’m pretty sure I liked the movie. I’m absolutely positive I loved Scarlett Johansson.

--Happy Birthday to the man, the myth, the Bono who celebrated number 46 last Wednesday.

--Apparently Quentin Tarantino will not direct the Jimi Hendrix biopic that’s in the works. Oh well.

--Heat: The Videogame?! Apparently it’s in the works and DeNiro, Pacino and Kilmer are in talks to provide their voices. I’m pretty sure Tom Sizemore is available to lend his voice. Gotta have Ashley Judd as well. The sage advice from DeNiro/Mr. Neil McCauley:
"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

--Eat it “Great” Britain! Our leader is at a 31% approval rating while yours is at 26%. Ha-ha. We have the best worst leader in the free world.

--My YouTube video pick of the week comes to us from Ron Burgundy so kick back, relax and by all means enjoy a little Afternoon Delight.

--The most annoying arcade game of all-time, Dance Dance Revolution, is going to be made into a syndicated television show. Stupidest game ever.

--On Saturday after a 21-year absence Julia Louis-Dreyfus returns to SNL and becomes the first female cast member to ever return as host. Now you know…

--I’m usually not that big on reunion shows, but Top Chef’s was pretty strong. There’s no way Harold loses, right? I had no idea until I searched around, but the lovely, lovely host Katie Lee Joel is Billy Joel’s wife. He’s a mere 32 years older than she is.

If I can’t come back in my next life as Robert Evans then Billy Joel will do just fine. Speaking of Evans, if you’ve never seen his Kid Notorious then you really, really should.
Two coolest human beings on the planet.

--Very smooth job by New York radio DJ Troi Torrain who rapped on his show about a rival DJ on Hot 97 (my choice when I’m in New York). Dumbass started running his mouth about the other guy, his wife, and then might have stepped over the line with this, “Yes, I disrespected your seed. If you didn’t hear me, I said, I would like to do an R. Kelly on your seed, on your little baby girl. I would like to tinkle on her.” Nice job Clear Channel.

--Your idiot user comes to us from Florida and more specifically the Sheriff’s Office in Indian River County. Christian Mathisen was a part of the K-9 squad and so had pictures of his police dog on his profile. Awww, the pic showed the dog with a beer can in his mouth. Very bright. He also had a pic of himself with a disco-style wig on in front of his police cruiser. To top it off he ran his mouth belittling the police department. Dumb. Ass. Let’s hear from him, “I had no idea everyone could see it if they were searching the ( site. If I would have known that, I would have never put those pictures on there. I mean, I could see how someone in the general public who doesn't know me could think this is wrong." Ya think? How did you not know anyone could stumble across your profile? This genius has been suspended for three days.

--Ray Romano is coming back for another TV series and it’s not going to be called Everybody Loves Raymond?!

--17 years ago this week Funky Cold Medina was certified Gold and Platinum. 15 years ago Slaughter’s album “Stick it to Ya” went multi-Platinum. It does not get better than “Fly With The Angels.”

-Note to whomever the jerky is that fills our station’s crappy vending machine. Put Snack-Ens back in!!! Last time I complained Chex Mix showed up and that clearly is not the same. The Chex Mix was eaten by someone clearing the way for Snack-Ens, but nooooooo, you think Munchies are just as good. You are wrong. Very, very wrong.
Have you seen me?

--Apparently Whitney Houston is furious that The National Enquirer reported she’s been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Ummm, considering your behavior I’m thinking having the public think you have a brain tumor would explain a lot of things.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Questions, comments or if you think Electric Company dominated Sesame Street…

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