Tuesday, April 04, 2006

It's Opening Night!!


The more things change…The perennial slow starters are fortunate to be starting the season against a team like the Marlins. There’s no reason the ‘Stros shouldn’t be 3-0 come Thursday morning. Yeah, Brandon Backe might miss a start, but that’s probably a good thing considering his near 9.00 spring ERA. How about that offense? We’ll see, but how strong would it have been to get no-hit on Opening Day? Gotta love the Chronicle headline: Astros off to roaring start. Uh, 13-5 like the Cardinals with 2 Pujols homers is a “roaring start.” Winning 1-0 on a wild pitch is more boring than roaring, but I’ll take it.

--If you’re a real deal slugger you probably went yard on Opening Day. The list: Albert Pujols (2), Adam Dunn, Ryan Howard, Andruw Jones, David Wright, Mike Piazza, David Ortiz, Hank Blalock, Vlad Guerrero, Miguel Tejada, Alex Rodriguez, and even a blast from the past for Frank Thomas.

--Dontrelle and Roy were the only starters in the Majors who didn’t allow a run. As you can tell by the average of 11.1 average runs per game for the day.

--I don’t think San Diego likes Barry. When he picked up that syringe should he have immediately stuck it in his buttocks or should he have flexed his bicep and stuck it there? Either way it could have been as hilarious as this whole thing is going to get.

Can It Get Worse? Hopefully.

The Rockets opened up their 6-game roadie with a loss to the Lakers because that Kobe guy is good and those Houston guys forgot about the man, the myth, the Yao. The big man had his season averages (21,10) at the half, but finished with 33 on a night he should have easily gotten 40. Oh well, more lottery balls for the fans. Yea!! The march to the lotto continues Tuesday and Wednesday versus the Sonics and Blazers or what I call “danger spots.” Seattle may, once again, be without Rashard Lewis. Portland, yuck, Portland has won not once, but twice since Valentine’s Day. Wow, you guys take the art of sucking to a level only the Knickerbockers enjoy.
--Houston is the only team with more wins on the road (17) than at home (15). The Jazz and Bulls only have one more home win than road.

--The Spurs and Pistons are tied for first in point differential with each checking in at +7.1. The Rockets, T’Wolves, Celtics and Warriors are all at –1.3.

--If you’re paying attention and you’re likely not. The Heat and Kings are the finalists in NBA.com’s dance team bracket. I’ll go with Miami. The Rockets made it to the Elite 8, but the Sonics topped them there.

--The Pistons are a combined 6-2 against the Heat, Suns, Spurs, and Mavericks. The only teams to beat Detroit twice are New Jersey, Washington and Utah.

--Wags of the finger to Andrew Bogut and Tony Kukoc for preventing the Bucks from becoming the first team in NBA history to commit zero turnovers during a game. As it was Milwaukee became the first team to commit only two turnovers. They also won the game, beating the Pacers.


Despite the fact the card didn’t look so hot the pull of WrestleMania got me on Sunday. Turns out that was a good thing. Mick Foley and Edge tore it up in a hardcore match complete with flaming tables and a barbed wire bat. Foley should’ve won, what with being set on fire and all, but he didn’t. Shelton Benjamin and Rob Van Dam were the highlights of a 6-man ladder match. Well, them and Fit Finlay. Shawn Michaels squashed and I mean squashed Vince McMahon. That was one of Vince’s better efforts, maybe because all he did was sit there and bleed, bleed, bleed. Rey Mysterio beat Kurt Angle and Randy Orton in a very entertaining match for one of the big championships. Then came the “know how I know you’re gay” entrances from HHH and John Cena. HHH rose to the stage on a big throne. He was covered in some dead animal in a total Conan the Barbarian rip off. After his rise we were treated to a short film on how bad, yet good and necessary gangsters (show was in Chicago) were and are. So after that here comes an old car with a bunch of 1920’s looking gangsters complete with water squirting tommy guns. John Cena followed and the always good to hear “f’ you Cena” chants started. Who won? Who cares?

My least favorite and most favorite wrestlers of all-time.

Where have you gone Ricky Steamboat?

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Despite her lunacy on every stop of her promotional tour Sharon Stone’s Basic Instinct 2 opened up at # 9 this weekend. Ouch. That’s one step above Larry the Moron and just below She’s the Man and Slither. Perhaps if she had done this movie 10 years ago when somebody may have cared. Next stop Razzies. Good luck.

--Writing of movies that should have been released 10 years ago…The Simpsons long, long-awaited movie comes out in July of 2007. If you take your kiddies to see Ice Age 2 you may get a short Simpsons trailer.

--If you missed some of the April Fool’s Day PSAs that The Office provided last Thursday. Here ya go. Best non-animated network sitcom that didn’t have Jason Bateman since, I don’t know, Seinfeld?

--Prince is going to make an appearance on American Idol?!

--After the Final Four games it was time to wind down with some heavyweight boxing. I wasn’t expecting much from Lamon Brewster and Sergei Liakhovich, but those boys delivered in a big way. Showtime couldn’t have picked a more entertaining fight for its free preview weekend. Fantastic action from the 5th round on. Sergei got the unanimous decision despite going down in the 7th. Afterwards Lamon said something refreshing, “Liakhovich deserved to win – he earned it. I take my hat off to him.”

--40 ½ inch vert, 24 reps of 225 lb. bench press, 4.33 40. I heart Reggie Bush.

--Thank you to the Florida Gators for allowing me to buy the third cheapest bottle of red wine at Kroger to celebrate my auction tourney win.

--Some guy known only as Mr. A took part in a London Medical School study. Why? Well this bloke is estimated to have taken 40,000 pills of ecstasy over a nine-year period. Turns out that might not be the healthiest lifestyle choice a chap can make.

--Last week you’re dumbass cops of the week came courtesy of Kentucky. This week we head to New York for the story of a police officer named Valentine. Seems Valentine met a girl on match.com and all was well until she broke up with him. That’s when Valentine hacked into the girl’s email and match.com accounts. Then for some strange reason Valentine sent himself an email from her (got that?) saying that that her friends would "come out of the bushes with a baseball bat and beat your brains in." Then Valentine decided to send 70 guys on match.com, messages indicating she was interested in them. Valentine even set her up on two blind dates. So blind that she didn’t know or even expect the guys who showed up randomly at her door. Yeah, Valentine was arrested and charged with among other things stalking, computer trespassing, tampering with evidence and official misconduct.

--Apparently the Wonder Woman finalists are Charisma Carpenter, Lindsey Lohan, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Kate Beckinsale. Is there any question Kate is the choice?

--The Miss America Pageant is going to be turned into a seven-episode reality show. I can hardly contain my enthusiasm.

--Your stupid Florida story of the week comes to us from Fort Myers High School. The powers that be there have decided to turn down an invitation to perform in London’s 2007 New Year’s Day Parade. One idiot said, “What happens if kids get on a train that blows up? We don’t have trains blowing up in America.” Touché. I wonder if London has a response, “Fort Myers’s murder rate is several times higher than that in London and you are three times as likely to be the victim of rape or violent crime in Fort Myers.” And we go to one of the students for the best and most sensible quote, “It’s more probable to be struck by lightning or be murdered in your sleep, than to fall prey to an attack by al-Qaeda terrorists. There is no better time to show these terrorists that we have no fear of them. Instead we are forced, through the cowardly acts of our superiors, to hide in shame.” Well said.

--Coming soon to an ESPN network near you, dominoes.

--Do billboards get better than the ones Darque Tan gives us?

--A Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire movie?!

--Note to students everywhere: It is not a good idea to post threats to burn down your principal’s house on MySpace. I repeat it is not a good idea to post threats to burn down your principal’s house on MySpace. Some 16-year-old in New York thought it would be a good idea. He was wrong.

--Phoenix.com listed the top 100 unsexiest men in the world. Your top five: 5. Alan Colmes- thought he’d be #1 for sure. 4. Dr. Phil. 3. Roger Ebert. 2. Randy Johnson and drumroll……….1.

Mr. Gilbert Gottfried.

--Charlotte has Prostitution Exclusion Zones?! Funny, well unless you used to live in a decent part of town, which is now inhabited by prostitutes kicked out of the Westside.

Questions, comments or if you remember the good ol’ days when the Web Gems were just shown and not ranked 1-5…

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