Thursday, March 30, 2006

I'm, I'm Sky High

We’re Talkin’ Baseball…

Opening Day is right around the corner and I can’t wait. Well, actually I could wait until Tuesday. I don’t get why baseball wants to really get going on the same day as the NCAA Championship Game. Oh well, it’s better to have too much sports than not enough. Let’s get to my no-guarantee, throw a dart at the wall, drunk off my ass, won’t remember a week from now predictions….

National League

Central- St. Louis …The Cardinals are, once again, rock solid and Scott Rolen has had a decent spring so no reason to think St. Louis won’t win the division. The real competition for the Astros comes from the young and talented Brewers. If Ben Sheets gets right and Chris Capuano and Doug Davis improve then Houston is staring at third place. Ken Griffey Jr. is going to have a monster year that would only be better if he got to face Cincy’s pitching.

East- Atlanta …The Mets have spent, spent, spent and all the Braves do is continue to win, win, win. Make it 15 straight division titles for Atlanta.

West- San Diego … The Giants aren’t horrible, but they have Barry so I can’t pick them. San Diego has just enough pitching, just enough hitting, and Jesse’s son, Josh Barfield, from Klein HS at 2nd base to get the job done. Spring means nothing, but Josh is hitting .392 with 17 RBIs.

Wild Card- Houston … I think the ‘Stros, Brewers, and Mets will be the top contenders for another packed wild card finish. I’m thinking typical slow start for Houston and then Roger Clemens gets on board and things pick up around the all-star break. It would be nice if Brandon Backe would start getting his sh…stuff together.

American League

East- New York … Simply too much hitting. The Red Sox and Blue Jays will follow. Although don’t count out the Devil Rays, particularly is Ol’ Pinkeye himself, Dan Miceli, gets that closer’s job.

Central- Chicago … The Indians have the hitting, but not the pitching. The White Sox have just enough hitting and added Javier Vazquez to the deepest rotation around.

West- Oakland … The A’s have almost as deep a rotation as the White Sox. The Angels don’t have the starting pitching to take the division again.

Wild Card- Cleveland … I don’t have any solid reasoning except I’m tired of the Red Sox.

Playoffs….The Cardinals beat the Astros in the NLCS. The White Sox down the Yankees in the ALCS. And when all is said and done the Cardinals top the White Sox.

--Pinnacle Sports has released its list of odds on what manager is going to get canned in their respective league first. Texas’ Buck Showalter and Arizona’s Bob Brenly are co-“favorites” at 5-1. Chicago’s Dusty Baker is 6-1. Joe Torre is the biggest AL long shot at 19-1. Phil Garner is 13-1. The long shots in the NL are Bobby Cox (27-1) and Tony LaRussa (40-1).

Happy Preseason Schedule!!

--Good luck getting that job in the NFL front office, Charley. No, really, good luck.

--Don't look now, but the Texans have themselves a real #2 receiver!!! Eric Moulds is a very solid guy to line up on the other side of Andre Johnson. He’s not as good as he was a few years ago, but we'll take him. His yards per reception have gone down in each of the past seven seasons to a career low 10.1 yards last season. That probably has as much to do with him as it does the Bills QB crap carousel. I am a little worried that he only managed four catches and forty yards against the Texans last season.

--You know what sports needs right now? That’s right, a little 2 Live Crew. Luther Campbell is setting up shop as “Luke Sports and Entertainment.” "I'm not offering to negotiate NFL or NBA contracts. I'm offering to do what I know . . . turning people into entertainment superstars." Entertainment superstars or get them banned in the U.S.A.

--Tell me I didn’t just check in March to see if average draft positions were up for fantasy football yet. Perhaps I have a problem.

--Note to Vikings coach Brad Childress: Daunte Culpepper is no longer a part of your team. You do not need to continue to run your mouth about him. "You ask, 'Where is he rehabbing?' " Childress said. "He's rehabbing in a HealthSouth place in Orlando. ... I've spent some time in this state. ... I close my eyes. I'm seeing a Chinese restaurant, a HealthSouth place, a laundromat. Basically a strip mall that he's rehabbing himself at. So you can understand where I'm coming from. I'm like, 'What's wrong with this picture?' ... This is our franchise quarterback. ... Is he better served here in the fieldhouse or in the Wal-Mart parking lot?”
Okay, would Daunte have been better off rehabbing in Minny, maybe. But he’s gone now, let it go.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Thank you to Thief for filling my Tuesday night FX fix left void by The Shield.

Not many better actors than this guy.

--If you feel like your life wouldn’t be complete unless you own a flooded school bus from New Orleans then head over to eBay.

--It’s not even here yet, but I’m already sick of all the lame April Fool’s Day jokes. Remember a few years back when our afternoon guys switched spots with the morning crew on April 1st? Hilarious.

--Donna Martin got a boob job?! Check out the pic of her boyfriend's tattoo of Tori on his arm.

--Production will get started in July on Ocean’s 13.

--Call me crazy, but I’m thinking Morrissey isn’t thinking Smiths reunion, “I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."

--Your idiot profiles of the week come to us from…here comes the surprise…wait for it……Kentucky (didn’t see that coming, did ya?). Several Lexington cops are in trouble. They congratulated themselves on arresting John Michael Montgomery even altering some photos of the country singer. They dumbasses said they work for the “snobby people of Lexington” or the “Lexington Fayette Urban Communist Government.” How stupid can you be, even taking into account this is Kentucky? For good measure the morons in blue made fun of mentally disabled people and of course, gays. One of the dumbasses posted a photo of a disabled child running in a race. Underneath the cop put the caption, “What’s better than winning the special Olympics? Not being retarded.”
Aren't cops just the funniest?

--Your 5th host of Family Feud following in the footsteps of Richard Dawson, Ray Combs, Louie Anderson, and Richard Karn will be....wait for it...Peterman or John O'Hurley as some people call him.

--Your match made in heaven...Three 6 Mafia and Paris Hilton. The Simple Lifer asked the boys to help her out on some tracks. This is promising.

--Good Night, and Good Luck was very, well, good. Although Edward R. Murrow’s views on television make me think about it in a way I don’t want to. “This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box. There is a great and perhaps decisive battle to be fought against ignorance, intolerance and indifference. This weapon of television could be useful.”
By the way, this was the first completely black and white movie to be nominated for Best Picture since…1980’s The Elephant Man.

--A Sienna Miller sex tape is out?!

--Perhaps you’ve seen the pics of Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher k-i-s-s-i-n-g. I’m thinking Terri can come up with a better hat than one from American Idol. I might be wrong. Actually I’m sure I’m wrong. Allow me to retract the above statement. I apologize for causing any undue stress upon Miss Hatcher and her beautiful, never once Botoxed face.

--Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson?!

--Congratulations to Indiana for stepping into the 20th century by now following daylight savings time.

--As she shamelessly tries to plug Basic Instinct 2, Sharon Stone told this amusing/disturbing anecdote to Contact Music UK: "I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. "Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."
Really nothing to add to that.

--Matthew Perry and Kristin Davis?!

--WrestleMania is this Sunday and I could care less. The card does nothing for me. With WrestleMania comes the newest inductees into the WWE Hall of Fame. Eddie Guerrero headlines the list with Bret Hart, Mean Gene, The Blackjacks, Tony Atlas, Sensational Sherri, Vern Gagne and The Fridge joining Latino Heat. The Fridge made one whole appearance in the WWE so that makes a lot of sense. His claim to fame was eliminating Big John Studd and Tony Atlas in a battle royal at WrestleMania 2. You can watch it all beginning at 8 Saturday night on then at 10 it’ll be on USA Network.

Questions, comments or if you're the guy who keeps bothering Nelson at GameStop then this message is for you...And to everyone waiting on a PS3, STOP CALLING MY STORE! I don't know when it will come out and for damn sure it will be very costly. When the damn head of Sony says that this is the system that families will "have to save up for" then you know you are in trouble. Everyone should just enjoy the 360. Just play Fight Night rd 3 and everything is right with the world.

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