Thursday, April 06, 2006

Ain't Gonna Hurt Nobody...We Just Dancin' Y'all...

Do I Know You?

Two out of three ain't bad, I guess. After all the Astros did have to face Cy Young candidate Sergio Mitre. Thankfully their good luck charm, Wandy Rodriguez, took the mound and the offense came alive. Well at least for a few innings. I thought the bats would be good enough to get the job done, but they look lost right now. Feel free to get a hit this series against the Nationals, Jason Lane. I think they'll be fine, but there's nothing wrong with starting to play good baseball in April instead of August.

--What to say about Bonds on Bonds? Ummm, pathetic sums it up for me. I did love the liberal use of John Legend’s “Ordinary People” in an effort to pull more heartstrings.

--Very solid start to the season for R.A. Dickey of the Rangers. Mr. Dickey got 10 outs while giving up 8 hits all for extra bases, 7 runs, and best of all 6 home runs. That ain't easy.

--If you're keeping score at home Anna Benson now does not want a divorce from Kris. I guarantee she'll be a Surreal Lifer sooner rather than later.

Merry April 6th

Spring Christmas a.k.a. NFL Schedule Release Day was Thursday (like you didn't know). It’s insane how big a deal fans have made that day. I mean, seriously, a two-hour special on ESPN?! Incredible. Without further ado let’s run through the Texans schedule complete with meaningless predictions….

Week 1- Jabar Gaffney brings his Eagles to Reliant. Some guy named Donovan Mc-something or other plays there as well. The Gary Kubiak era opens with a win and a 40 yard TD run from Mr. Reggie Bush.
Week 2- Death, taxes, and lose to the Colts.
Week 3- The Redskins visit and hold the Texans to field goals as David Carr hears the boos after two first half picks. Antwan Randle-El to Santana Moss for a 30 yard TD.
Week 4- The Dolphins’ bandwagon is getting more full by the day and they send the Texans into their bye at 1-3.
Week 6- Oh yeah, the one we’ve been waiting for since the clock rolled to zeroes on 19-10 day. The Cowboys will be coming off their big T.O. visit to Philly while the Texans will be well rested. Andre Johnson will outshine Owens. David Carr runs for a TD while Reggie Bush goes over 100 yards for the first time. Oh yeah, 24-17 Texans win on the road.
Week 7- Back home for the Jaguars and a two-game winning streak ensues.
Week 8- Matt Leinart with 3 TDs to help the Titans win.
Week 9- @ the Giants looks like an ‘L’
Week 10- @ the Jags ends badly.
Week 11- Eric Moulds catches two TDs to help beat his former team at Reliant.
Week 12- Road win # 2 comes against the Jets.
Week 13- Vince Young torches the Texans for the Silver and Black. Oh well, won’t have to see him for a while after that.
Week 14- Home for the Titans. ‘W’
Week 15- @ the Patriots doesn’t look promising.
Week 16- home for the Colts and the Texans remain winless for the franchise against Indy.
Week 17- You think the Browns are going to beat the Texans on the final day at home ever again? I don’t. So add it up and as of April 6th I see the Texans going 7-9.

--Why do the Packers get two Monday Night games? They suck. Yeah, Brett Favre in probably his last season, but neither of those MNF games are even at Lambeau so what's the point?

--Football back at the Superdome. Great. Monday Night Football there. Why? And why, oh why, would you ever put Baltimore on Monday night?!? And why do the Vikings get the maximum of four primetime games when they no longer have Randy or Daunte?

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--The good news is that the Rockets have something in common with both the Suns and Lakers. The bad news is that it’s those three teams are the only ones since Valentine’s Day to have lost to the lowly and I mean lowly Blazers. How about JVG going tie-less and jacket-less in that Portland loss?

--Thankfully Chad Michael Murray needed only six months to go from one engagement to a One Tree Hill star to another engagement with a One Tree Hill extra.

--“I’d hit that! I’d hit that! I’d hit that!” Someone please kill those annoying PSP squirrels.

You Die!!!

--Student-teacher sex stories have to be a bit unusual now to garner any attention (how sad is that?). The latest comes from Delaware where 34-year-old Rachel Holt taught more than just science at her elementary school. Ms. Holt had sex with a 13-year-old 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28 times over a one-week period. Teach also let another boy watch her and the other kid have relations. She was also nice enough to give the boys beer. In this double standard world this teacher is probably going to jail because she is u-g-l-y.

--Buying this week's HBO PPV to watch Floyd Mayweather work over Zab Judah probably isn't worth the price. But an undercard featuring Houston's own Juan Diaz against Miguel Cotto's little brother and also Jorge Arce vs. Rosendo Alvarez makes it well worth it.

--Jessica Simpson in a movie version of Baywatch?! What fantastic music video will that spawn?

--Sharon Stone just won’t go away despite Basic Instinct 2 bombing. Apparently there’s a script for Basic Instinct 3, but she doesn’t want to star in it. She just wants to direct. Either way I’m thinking straight to dvd like this one should have been. Oh also Miss Stone would like to release an album. Whatever.

--The PS3 is going to cost around $600?!

--Eminem and Kim are done again?! I don’t think anyone saw this coming.

--Nick and Aaron Carter on a reality show on E! Oh boy, can’t wait until that gets cancelled.

--Your drunk of the week comes to us from Bloomington, Indiana. That’s where Lauren Yoder drank and drank and drank. Then she stumbled outside and made her way to a parking lot. She found an unlocked car so she got in and took a little nappy. Unfortunately for her the car was a police car and the parking lot was Bloomington police headquarters. Yeah, her other problem was that she was unaware that the back door of police squad cars can’t be opened from the inside. Bad night.

--Gotta love South Park vs. Family Guy.

--A wag of the finger to the morning show for getting the earworm known as "My Baby Takes the Morning Train" in my head. Another wag to NBC for not airing an Office last Thursday. That's okay, I'll just reflect upon Dwight's perfect night...

"Let me describe the perfect date: I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her... now he wants to fight - so I grab him - I throw him into the jukebox! Then the other ninja’s got a knife, he comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She’s scared now. I take her home. I’m holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss... I hear something in the leaves, I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time... but I knew."

--Okay 24 this is the part of the season where you kick it up a notch or start going downhill. Curveballs for curveballs sake don’t always work.

--David Spade and Heather Locklear?! That’s a joke, right? Right?

--Joey was cheating on his wife with his neighbor from the show?! Was there anyone who thought that show was going to work?

--Eleven years ago this week Selena's "Amor Prohibido" was certified Gold. My personal favorite, "El Chico Del Apartamento 512."

Nineteen years ago this week "Licensed To Ill" went triple Platinum.
"Now I got the gun - you got the brew
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can blow you away or you can ride with me"
I said, I'll ride with you ifyou can get me to the border
The sheriff's after me for what I did to his daughter
I did it like this - I did it like that
I did it with a whiffleball bat
So I'm on the run - the cop's got my gun
And right about now - it's time to have some fun
The King Adrock - that is my name
And I know the fly spot where they got the champagne."

--You can go ahead and skip Fez’s MTV creation Yo Momma. Words can’t describe how stupid and just plain awful it is.

--Another sign I'm getting really, really old. Happy Birthday to Kid of Kid 'n' Play who turned 42 this week. How has there not been one more stab at a House Party movie. Gotta revisit that first one sometime.

--I know whoever is responsible for the inventory of our station's vending machine doesn't read this, but if so...

give me back my Snack Ens now!!!

Questions, comments or if you like big butts and you cannot lie...

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