Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Cheney's Got A Gun

Magic’s Kingdom and We’re Just Living In It

Houston, The Lamp has landed. However, the Mooch has gone away. Oh well, that's life. The Rockets close this miserable, frustrating, injury-filled, disappointing figurative first half with games out west against the Clippers and Suns. Oh boy. It’ll be interesting to see how this club does against some real competition before the break. The Clips have dropped 2 of their last 3, but did give Houston it’s lone loss on that six-game roadie earlier this season. The Suns are the Suns so the game will automatically be enjoyable to watch. We’ll see how the boys finish up and let’s just hope they don’t get banged up before their well-deserved or undeserved break.

--Gonzaga students have been asked to no longer chant “Broke-back Moun-tain” at opposing players, even if they are from Duke.

--Tracy McGrady has dipped below 30% from beyond the arc. Baron Davis is the only player standing between T-Mac and the worst field goal percentage among the top 50 scorers.

--How ridiculous is it that Tony Parker is second only to Shaq in field goal percentage?

--The only player in the top 10 in both scoring and rebounding is…Elton Brand.

--Steve Francis told the Orlando Sentinel that he likely won’t be able to turnaround his lackluster play until the club trades him or not. Can you get more sensitive?

--There are rumors that the injured Kelvin Cato could be sent to Detroit, which would then waive him. How sorry would that be to get traded to the best team in the league only to get cut by the best team in the league?

--The trade deadline is less than 10 days away and I can’t wait to see what Isiah Thomas’ next masterpiece will be.

--Ndudi Ebi made his NBDL debut the other night going 3-10 for eight points in 24 minutes for the Fort Worth Flyers. Good luck with that.

--Don’t look now but Toronto has won three straight and six of eight.

--The Timberwolves are seven games below .500 for the first time since the ’96-’97 season.

--Congratulations to the Blazers for beating the Bobcats on Monday. Portland had lost its previous three by 33,32 and 32.

--Sticking with the crappy teams the Knicks have now lost 10 straight for the first time in 21 years. The history making Knickerbockers’ losing streak includes L’s to the Raptors, Hawks and Rockets (twice). New York has dropped 16 of its last 17 overall. Where would they be without Jalen Rose who has led them in scoring in 4 of the past 5 games? Well they’d still be losing, I guess, but it’d be by a lot more points.

Pigskin…mmmm…pigskin…cue drool

I saw about zero of the Pro Bowl, but I did see most of the Skillz (with a 'z' 'cause they're from the streetz) Challenge. D'angelo Hall narrowly beat out Jerome Mathis for Fastest Man honors. Mathis was also in an obstacle course-type event. Despite the fact there were linebackers and even a punter in this competition the one guy who dropped a pass was Mr. Mathis. The quarterback is like 8 yards away and Mathis was set, but he just flat out dropped it. Sadly we'll be seeing a lot of that. As I'm sure a lot more of the returns like the 54-yarder he had in the game.

--Your idiotic quote of the week comes to us from Seahawks guard Steve Hutchinson who said this after the Pro Bowl, "For the Seattle guys, our last game was a loss in the Super Bowl. It's kind of nice for us to get back on the winning side of a football game. It kind of takes the sting out of it." Sounds like a winner, oh wait, it doesn’t sound like a winner at all.

--Apparently Marvin Lewis didn’t care for the two plays Chad Johnson lined up at cornerback. Mr. Lewis, "I have a thought on that, which I'll keep to myself. I don't think it was right."

--Some production company is working on a Terrell Owens reality show. This is really what the world needed. I know you might say peace or love or understanding or religious tolerance, but can’t you achieve all of those things through repeated viewings of Mr. Owens’ show?

--Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was charged with aggravated assault and resisting arrest. Why? It might have had something to do with Tank saying this to a cop, "You ain't the only one with a Glock," Johnson told the officer, according to Chicago Police. "If it wasn't for your gun and your badge, I'd kick your ass." Yep, that’ll do it.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--This week’s masterbatory (that a word?) library fun comes to us from Colorado State. The fun occurred in room 165 of the library where an employee found a, okay have to get this quote right, a “semen-splattered computer.” The employee identified 48-year-old Larry Holgerson as the donor. Here’s Larry’s defense in The Collegian, "For him to conclude that I have the ejaculatory capacity to hit the screen is ludicrous. At 48, I don't have the distance."

--Evidently there is something worse than slime in the ice machine. A 7th grader in Tampa made her science fair project a study on the levels of bacteria in ice at fast food restaurants. Jasmine Roberts discovered that 70% of the time the level of bacteria in the ice was more than that in the restaurant’s toilet water. Out-standing.

--I don’t know about you, but the first thing I thought of after hearing about Dick Cheney’s gun fun was “I can’t wait for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.” Colbert was a repeat, but The Daily Show delivered a grand slam. Its best headlines: Cheney’s Got a Gun and #2 with a Bullet.

--Clay Aiken's second album is being put on hold until this whole gay with a Green Beret thing blows over.

--Gone soon will be Tony Danza with Rachael Ray stepping right in. Should be interesting.

--INXS was the first to sink to Rock Star and it looks like Van Halen will be next.

--Twenty-five years ago this week Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" became the longest charted rock album in history staying on the Billboard chart for 402 weeks. You ever listen to Ummagumma while under the influence; well let's just leave it at under the influence? Weird things, man, weird things.

--Props to Peter Manfredo Jr. for knocking the f’ out of Sorry Scott Pemberton in The Contender special.

--Brokeback Mountain dolls are out, really out.

--Does it get better than the Snickers bald guy commercial? I think not.

--I very rarely venture out to the beer-less and teenage-filled theatres, but did see Syriana the other night at an establishment where the beer was flowing. Very fascinating movie that I'll definitely need to watch again to understand all of the intricacies. Great cast. The Constant Gardner was pretty strong as well. Rachel Weisz is nude a lot, which is good, unfortunately she’s very pregnant in each shot.

--Mena Suvari is going out with a professional breakdancer with a nickname of "Murda"?! Good luck with that.

--Coming soon to a comic book near you. Batman vs. Osama Bin Laden. I think you know who wins.

--Your dumbass of the week comes to us from Fargo, North Dakota. There Grace Sium called the police and asked where she could buy some marijuana. The dispatcher informed said dumbass that pot was illegal. Dumbass kept asking questions so the dispatcher finally told her that they have some marijuana in a locker. Dumbass showed up at the police station with $3. Yeah, she was arrested.

--Does ABC’s Sons and Daughters look good or is it just me?

Turin, Turino, Tomato, Tomahto

There are three events that I will or have watched this Olympiad: men's half-pipe, men's hockey, and men's curling (as long as the game involves the U.S.). I still can't believe I actually watched seven frames? of curling the other night when the U.S. took on defending champ Norway. For something that seems so slow they keep the pace moving and you don't care about any of this so I'll stop. Men's half-pipe was on with Shaun White making it a little exciting to get his inevitable gold. I can't wait until men's hockey gets going this week.

--What was up with those 70’s disco and early 80’s pop songs during Opening Ceremonies? The O.C.’s are really the gayest thing (not that there’s anything wrong with that) you could ever spend 5 minutes watching.

Questions, comments or if you choo-choo-choose me as your valentine...

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