Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Enough Of That, I Just Want To Give Some Respect Due. M.C.A. Grab The Mic And The Ma Bell Will Connect You

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--The draft has come and gone and I think there’s one thing we can all agree on.  Drafting a punter in the 3rd round is brilliant.  It’s stupid to immediately grade drafts, but the Jaguars get an A++.

--Damn you smoke monster jr.!  Damn you to hell!  I guess we can take one name out of the king’s race.  RIP Renly.  I thought Catelyn and Brienne played the hell out of their scenes.  I’m interested to see how much we’ll see of Margaery the remainder of this season.  Natalie Doermer owned her scenes.
It was a whirlwind Thrones hitting on every stop on the map including Harrenhal where Arya made besties with Jaquen and Tywin.  Pretty sure those three could run Westeros.
Arya forcing a Tywin double-take – “Anyone can be killed.”
Fantastic location shooting with Jon Snow and company.

--Not sure how a cruise line didn’t have this week’s Simpsons sponsoring it.  Sponsors probably didn’t want any part of the healthy cruise option – “Welcome to eight days and seven nights of push-ups and kale!”

--There are fewer things I look forward to more each week (Game of Thrones opening is one) than the burger special written at Bob’s Burgers.  rYeMCA burger this week.  They need more excuses to give us “Prince of Persuasia”.
Prince of Persuasia pick-up tips:  “When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and make a big deal about it.”
The Prince's Three Steps to Sexcess...
Step One:  Trap Your Princess – physically corner her in a room and eventually, in your life.
Step Two:  Insult Your Princess – insult her face, her body, her brain, her car.  The lower her self-esteem, the higher your chances, bro.  It’s been biologically proven, by me.
Step Three:  Brag – not lying, but close.  Make up a story about how you single-handedly murdered a wild animal.  Your story is going to release a hormone deep inside her body called “insatia.”  It makes women ovulate, for sex!

--Roger - “I got you a Shirley Temple.  It’s time you started tapering off.”  And that was the last pleasant image Sally had of Roger.  A shame because it looked the beginning of a beautiful friendship between those two.  Post-LSD Roger somehow has become even more awesome although I liked Don’s, “Lots of people who haven’t taken LSD already know that” reply to Roger’s new found wisdom.
Julia Ormond and Jessica Pare are quite the mother-daughter combination.
Pete has had very little to do since the “Thrilla against Vanilla” but his explanation to Megan’s dad of what it is exactly he does day-to-day was fantastic.

--May 17th is Community night on NBC.  It’ll be airing three episodes including the two-part season finale.  Nice. 

--Writing of Thursdays I thought last week’s live 30 Rock was much better than their first live crack last season.  Jon Hamm in blackface with Tracy Morgan.  Sold.

--Your Florida Story of the Week comes to us from Sarasota County.  ‘Twas there that a 7-year-old girl was sitting in a convertible in the parade line waving to the crowd in her role as princess of the parade…except replace “convertible” with “plastic Hot Wheels car” and replace “parade line” with “attached by dog leashes to grandparents SUV.”  Unfortunately for the little girl some cops hate parades.  The princess’ drunk grandparents were only going 5 MPH so they were pretty easy to pull over.  The grandparents were arrested for I assume conducting a parade without the proper permits.

--Matt Kemp finished April with a .417 average, 12 HRs and 25 RBIs.  It’s been since June of 2001 since a player hit over .400 with at least 12 and 25 in one month.  That player was, of course, Luis Gonzalez.

--There are perfect fits and then there’s Robin Williams making an appearance on Wilfred next season.

--Going back to last season and entering this week it’s now 26 straight games Adam Dunn has struck out at least once.  Even Chris Johnson has made it three of his last five games without striking out.  He even, and I hope you’re sitting down, walked over the weekend! 

--Jennie Garth has finally made it.  How else would you describe playing Nancy Grace in a Lifetime movie?  That’s what I thought.

--The below is a fake Dear Abby, right?  I mean no parent would allow this, much less allow and then label himself a “good dad,” right?

DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful wife, a dog and an 8-year-old son I love to watch sports with. My son loves sports, but he has trouble accepting a loss. He'll take out his disappointment by beating the dog. My wife doesn't want to get rid of "Patches" because she has had him since college. I don't want to put my son through counseling because he said he'll hate me forever if I do. I'm afraid if the problem isn't controlled, my son's life goals may be affected. What can I do?

--I guess since Whitney was such a HUGE hit for NBC now E! is going to give Whitney her own talk show called “What You Talking About Whitney?”  Nevermind, it’s going to be called “Love You, Mean It with Whitney Cummings.”  I liked mine more.

--Why can’t people just moonwalk without having a gun pointed at them?  John Cross was probably wondering that as he pointed a rifle at another man in his house demanding he moonwalk.  Unfortunately John didn’t YouTube this surely awesome moment.

--Miracle of miracles happened on Saturday when an entertaining heavyweight fight took place. Former Michigan State LB Seth Mitchell continued his rise after nearly falling against Chazz Witherspoon.  Three rounds of back and forth goodness as opposed to that predictably boring ass fight between Chad Dawson and Bernard Hopkins. 

--If any former Next Food Network Star was going to be in TMZ for a lawsuit you figure it would be Penny Davidi.  Penny, who also won a round on Chopped All-Stars, is actually doing the suing claiming her landlord stole hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of items from her supposedly “pre-furnished” Beverly Hills mansion she just bought.  In other news, Penny has a multi-million dollar Beverly Hills mansion with her husband.

--Drudge Report Headline of the Week:  “Man sues BMW over non-stop 20-month erection caused by motorcycle ride

--Wait, the 62-year-old wife of the Ohio man who released those 56 exotic animals and then killed himself is actually getting the five animals that survived the ordeal back?  She’s just getting out of jail for possession of illegal firearms so that makes it even crazier to me that she’s getting back two spotted leopards, two macaque monkeys and a large brown bear.  Oh and let’s not forget she has refused to allow animal welfare personnel or law enforcement onto her property to see how conditions are and determine if the cages are sufficient.  WTF?!  Fifty-one animals died because of her husband’s insanity.  I know they weren’t exactly a happy, together couple, she had no idea what was going on and she cares about the animals but I maintain my WTF stance.
 Plus do we really need to give exotic animals to someone who bears such a striking resemblance to Phil Spector.

--Rest easy tonight America…Guy Fieri’s Lamborghini has been found.

--Because walking is for suckers.  Toyota’s “sofa on wheels” debuted at the Beijing motor show.  The Fun-VII looks pretty cool, mostly because it could fulfill my dream of driving a car that looks like Greased Lightning one day and the next day have it look all flamed out like the car the bad guy with the acne had.  Oh the times were much simpler when Cha Cha Digregorio ruled the school?

Questions, comments or if just for fun you’d like to see Brad Mills use nine different pitchers for the opponent’s first nine batters…

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