Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Actin' Like Life Is A Big Commercial

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--A long, long time ago in what seems like a galaxy far, far away Ken Griffey Jr. was my favorite baseball player. Then came the trade to the Reds and his role in it tarnished his Kid reputation. Then came the injuries. Then came the good, not great seasons. Then came #600. Then came a sense of pride me as I watched the game's most beautiful swing ever connect on a HR for the 600th time. Congratulations Jr. Thanks for playing the game the right way.

--The House of Yahweh says the third time's the charm and by the "charm" they mean the "nuclear holocaust." Their leader Yisrael Hawkins has twice predicted doomsday and each time "doomsday" has only meant another original TBS series. So to summarize, a bunch of crazy people including a leader who has been accused of having two dozen wives is predicting a nuclear holocaust this week. Please clear your calendars for Thursday and if by some miracle from God we live to see Friday, but you're interested in life in a compound make your way to Abilene where this bunch of crazies live.

--Remember when you thought that it might be cool to see Shauna Sand nude? On the other hand Abigail Clancy. Fan-tastic! NSFW. If you've ever seen England play soccer and wondered who that freakishly tall player was. That's the guy who is currently tagging Abi.

--Last week we not only got a grade A major league basebrawl, but a Class A minor league basebrawl. It happened between Modesto and Stockton over the weekend. Basically it went down like this, pitcher hits batter with 91mph fastball in ribs, batter yells at pitcher, batter becomes runner at 1st base and continues to yell at pitcher who gets ejected by umpire, next batter grounds ball to infield, first runner hardcore spikes the 2nd baseman and it's on. The dugouts empty, the bullpens empty and the ejected pitcher even comes running out from the clubhouse. A Stockton reliever got jacked up with two facial fractures ending his season. Eight players ended up being ejected in a fight that only took 50 minutes for umpires to get under control. Not only were fans treated to an awesome brawl, but it happened in the 5th inning. And as we all know in the 5th inning of every Modesto home game beer costs $1. Awesome.

--Yao seems healthy...

--RZA lost his virginity at age 11 to a girl who taught him chess?! Wu-Tang has a chess website?! Wuchess.com?!

--Perhaps you remember Jason Peter from such colleges as Nebraska and such first round picks as the Panthers. The guy had numerous surgeries before doctors would no longer clear him to play. He also had a bit of a drug problem. He's been clean for four years now, but his experiences have been put into a memoir. Peter King read it and interviewed Jason about his druggie days and oh those days of prostitution, "so numerous that his Madame at a high-rolling Manhattan brothel ran out of girls for him."

--How about Thiago Alves with both the JesusDidn'tTap.com and CondomDepot.com ads on his shirt? Alves with the Knockout of the Night when his knee connected with Matt Hughes' head. Hughes can have Serra if he wants him, but that's gotta be about it. Michael Bisping looked VERY strong at middleweight as he ran right over Jason Day. Matt Wiman beat my boy Thiago Tavares in the Fight of the Night. Thales Leites and Nate Marquardt gave us a piledriver, which was nice, a bunch of point deductions was not. It wasn't a bunch of big names and highly anticipated fights, but all in all strong night of action from the UFC.

--Of course the Lakers have the hottest scout in the history of sports...

--Seeing as how I know two people who don't have cable I would've expected Nielsen's study on the average number of television channels the average household has would be less than 116. The average household watches 16 different channels at least 10 minutes a week.

--My boy Kelly Pavlik destroyed Gary Lockett Saturday. Lockett was kneeling down like a (insert your own analogy here, I'm lazy). Juan Manuel Lopez told Daniel Ponce de Leon to get out the way. Daniel said, "make me." Juan Manuel Lopez did. That kid we'll be seeing for awhile. Paul Williams destroyed Carlos Quintana like he was supposed to do the first time around.

--Whitney Port is getting her own show?! Heidi and Spencer have made $3 million in two years?! America WTF?! Ryan Seacrest is gonna roll out a show called Bromance where a bunch of dumbass guys compete to be in Brody Jenner's entourage?! You'd think with the type of crap I post here and that whole sports thing that Wex mostly sticks to in his blog that i'd be the one who watches The Hills and yet...

--A wise man once said, "Beware the false maid." My sister was robbed by her maid though if the robber didn't take the Wii were you really robbed? That was on the left coast, but the gulf coast has its share of maid problems. In Tampa a 50-year-old man said goodbye to his wife while she went away on vacation. So once she left ol' Risky Business decided he's lived long enough without ever hiring a nude maid. So the maid arrived, took off her dress and started to clean for $100 an hour. For some reason, genius decided to leave the maid alone in his bedroom. Maid decided to steal more than $40,000 in jewelry. Mind you the maid was butt nekkid when she hid the jewelry in her uhhh, I guess, permanent jewelry box. The husband didn't notice. The wife did when she got back from vacation.
The only maid we can trust.

--Boondocks Season 2 out on DVD this week!

--Christopher Guest as Nigel Tufnel on the National Geographic Channel with a doc titled Stonehenge Decoded?! Wow, might have to find out what channel National Geographic is.

--There's going to be a Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling?! Heaven help us, but here's who we're looking at for this Trishelle (oh God, why go on?), Todd Bridges, Danny Bonaduce, Screech, Rodman (yeah, right like he's gonna show up), Butterbean, Tabitha from Bewitched, Frank Stallone, Tiffany, and finally Nikki Ziering. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs will coach. Jimmy Hart and one-time genius Eric Bischoff will judge alongside Hogan. Next logical step for Trishelle...

--While we're in Celeb-Reality world...We have the cast for the next edition of Celebrity Rehab because as long as we have "celebrities" we'll sure as hell need rehab. We have a season one repeat customer in Kenicke who some know as Jeff Conaway, Amber Smith, Tawny Kitaen, Rodney King and then a lot of people I've never heard of like Sean Stewart and Nikki McKibbon. Gary Busey joins the cast as some kind of life coach. Either way Gary Busey should be on television more than he is.
Tawny's peak.

--If you like Top Chef I'm pretty sure you'll love the cookbook the show came out with before this current season started. The Top Chef Holiday Special won the James Beard Award for Television Food Special. The Outstanding Restaurateur Award went to Joe Bastianch and Mario Batali for Babbo Ristorante e Enoteca. Gramercy Tavern which, I think, Tom Colicchio ran at one time was named Outstanding Restaurant.

--Scam # 351: Knock on a person's motel room door, show cereal box badge, talk into handheld radio, tell motel room occupants that there was a drug bust in the complex and that you need all their money to test for drug residue, take money, and presumably go buy crack. The guy who pulled this off got $1,000 from the couple in the motel room. I wonder how many doors he had to knock on before hitting the $1,000 jackpot. And seriously if that doesn't all seem suspicious, but you're unsure, you're still going to give all $1,000 you have? Not maybe cut it off at $500 to see if the fake cop is telling the truth?

--God bless the comforts and apparent safety one gets from being lawn-less. In Pueblo, Colorado a 68-year-old guy is minding his own business and mowing his yard. A teenage girl walks up to the old man and asks for $2. At first the guy refuses, but she begs and so he gives her $2. This bit** then walks away and starts talking to some boy younger than her. The boy then asks the old man for money. Old man refuses. Bit** starts talking sh**. Piece of crap boy shows old man a knife. Old man says, "that's not a knife," pulls out his own knife and proudly claims, "now that's a knife." The old man gives these punk kids all $26 he has in his wallet.

--I always thought I was just bad at math, but now I'm pretty sure I simply had/have dyscalculia. Everyone knows about the most famous "dys" being dyslexia, but there's actually a greater prevalence of dyscalculia according to a new studay I haven't bothered to read much into.

Questions, comments or if you now blame dyscalculia for everthing that's wrong in your life...

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