Tuesday, May 06, 2008

If You Can Feel What I'm Feeling Then It's A Musical Masterpiece

Thanks Rockets. It was a helluva ride.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Cedric Benson got himself a coveted BWI over the weekend. Apparently the fantasy football stud was on a river near Austin when the Lower Colorado River Authority gave Benson a "float test," which is apparently a shorter version of a field sobriety test. Seems like it'd be harder to pass seeing as how you're on the water. Regardless Ced failed that test and they wanted to take him to land to give him another test. Benson argued about another test and argued about wearing a life jacket. So time to for an arrest of which the procedures are familiar to Benson and yet he didn't cooperate. Pepper spray time. Out of the 12-15 people on the boat Benson was the only one who managed to get himself arrested.

--The Kentuck Derby now has a red carpet show?! By the way, horse racing NOT a sport and getting more cruel by the day.

--ESPN hired WWE's Jonathan Coachman as an anchor?!

--How horrible, terrible, no good, very bad does What Happens in Vegas look?

--Senor Kimmel...

--Lord knows how long it will take, but apparently there will be an Anchorman 2 at some point.

--In other sequel news...we only have to wait until April of 2010 for Iron Man 2. Thor comes up that July. July of 2011 we get The Avengers. Captain America comes out a couple of months before that. Got it?

--I know you're probably thinking to yourself, "Self, I wonder what it would be like to go through the WNBA's orientation." Well the league just had its orientation for the rookie class and a third of the two day orientation was spent on courses on makeup and fashion tips. That'll help bring in the viewers. To quote our nation's # 1 thinker Stephen Colbert:

"The fact is, Americans want the best of everything. That's why Americans won't watch women's basketball. Every time I see a lady make a shot I think, "I bet a guy could've made that better."

--We head to Southampton, New York for our Derby Couple of the Week. There Krystal Downes and Jhimy Vintimilla had to get some money down on the horseys at an off track parlor. They left the engine in the car running and put the two-month-old in charge of the car while they were gone. Unfortunately the newborn wasn't up to the challenge. C'mon kid, how ya gonna let your guardians get arrested by the cops for your mistake? The people were even nice enough to leave the car running and the heater on, but still the baby cried until the cops came. The wussification of America continues.

--They start 'em young in Tennessee...

--So Ryan Reynolds who once upon a time was engaged to Alanis Morrisette is now engaged to Scarlett Jo. Slight upgrade.

--Former Top Chef contestants are going to do a 20-city tour?! Ummmm, will Padma be there? There's also a Top Chef cruise and of course, that cookbook that's been out that I'm sure I'll end up getting.

--Comedy Central is bringing back The Gong Show with Dave Attell hosting?!

--Taking a look at the final tallies of dunks this year in the league. Obviously Dwight Howard led the universe. He had 267, 59 more than Amare. Carmelo had more than LeBron (123-109). That kinda surprised me as did Yao ending up with more dunks than Kobe (83-80). Carl Landry more than David West (51-50). Bonzi more than Tracy or Tim Duncan (86-83, 83). Luis Scola, Matt Harpring, and Nate Robinson each ended with 4. Luther had 1 so see his season wasn't completely

--The Cowboys are getting Hard Knocks if you hadn't heard.

--If you didn't watch Breaking Bad or Mad Men on AMC you missed some great television.
The lovely Mrs. Draper.

--Your Dumbass Teacher of the Week Story That Doesn't Involve Teacher-Student Sexytime comes to us from Dartmouth home of MLB's greatest slugging catcher Bradley Ausmus. There Priya Venkatesan lectured in freshman composition to a bunch of "bullying, very aggresive, very disrespectful" students. Apparently these heathens had the audacity to argue with her ideas like they know better or something. So she did the only thing she could, yeah, quit and threaten a class action lawsuit because those fish bastards and their "anti-intellectualism" violated her civil rights. Something about being unreceptive to "French narrative theory", which as we all know is the most receptive of the narrative theories. She's teaching at Northwestern if you want to start thinking about where to send your kids.

--Your Kids Are (For the Most Part) Unmotivated Jerks and This Is Why I Salute Teachers Story of the Week comes to us from Florida. There a 15-year-old students faces felony charges for placing tacks in between his fingers and then high-fiving two teachers and several students before he was busted. He's going with the "I was only being playful" defense.

--Your Dumbass Stoner of the Week comes to us from Eureka, California. There a 21-year-old dumbass who we'll call Daniel Jarrette, 21, went to the police with his girlfriend. He reported to the police that he and his girl were victims of a home invasion. And these thieving a-holes stole 65 marijuana plants, two pounds of processed pot, four pounds of fresh harvested smoke, some guns, and blah, blah, blah. Not only did Daniel the Dumbass tell the cops this, but he told them this while having three outstanding felony warrants in Virginia for conspiracy to sell marijuana among other things.

Questions, comments or if you were fortunate enough to see Lupe...sonuva...

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