Wednesday, June 27, 2007

You Can't, You Won't and You Don't Stop


Reality, these are the Astros. Astros, this is Reality. I’ll let you two get to know each other.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Say what you want about Stephon Marbury the basketball player, but Stephon Marbury the man I’m down with. Anyone who wants to make decent looking, quality shoes for a fraction of the cost of the major brands, makes fun of Stephen A., and gives out $100 tips and $300 to a homeless guy who was watching his Bentley is an all right guy in my book.

--Kevin Durant is the NCAA March Madness ’08 cover boy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I would draft Durant over Oden every day of the week and twice on draft day.

--Who knows what the Rockets will do? I just hope I've heard of the guy.

--Something out of New Zealand more bizarre than The Flying Conchords. American heavyweight boxer Kelvin Davis was running down the road and going over a busy bridge when he freaked out because of the apparently too close for comfort cars. So he did what any normal, level-headed guy would do. He jumped off the bridge and dropped several meters (however far that is) onto rocks. Yeah, fortunately for him he’s not paralyzed. Dude was knocked the f’ out though and when he woke up two hours later he somehow climbed back up to the bridge and flagged down some help. Next up back surgery…and mapping out routes free of those tempting bridges.

--On July 1st A Concert for Diana will, in my humble American opinion, be highlighted by Ricky Gervais and Mackenzie Crook reprising “Free Love Freeway.” I marry the girl who allows this to be our wedding dance song.

--Note to Daily Show and Colbert: We really need to make the tosses every single night boys.

--No need to add anything to this first line courtesy of “Two women in Seminole County, Fla., are accused of performing sex acts in front of children at a community pool bathroom while a third woman photographed them, according to a police report.”

--I still can’t believe what Chris Benoit did. Just insane. I heard right before I was posting my column late on Monday. So I spent the next fifteen minutes wondering what to say about one of my favorite wrestlers and what video I could find that would accurately portray his skills. Then murder-suicide rumors came down and you just knew they were true. You f’n piece of sh** Chris! What the f*** was so wrong with you that your wife and child had to pay!!
Vince McMahon said this early in Tuesday’s ECW show after the tribute show it aired Monday:

"Last night on 'Monday Night Raw,' the WWE presented a special tribute show, recognizing the career of Chris Benoit. However, now some 26 hours later, the facts of this horrific tragedy are now apparent. Therefore, other than my comments, there will be no mention of Mr. Benoit tonight. On the contrary, tonight's show will be dedicated to everyone who has been affected by this terrible incident. This evening marks the first step of the healing process. Tonight, the WWE performers will do what they do better than anyone else in the world -- entertain you."

----It was Execution Tuesday as Texas, Georgia and Oklahoma each lowered its population by 1. In Texas some piece of crap named Patrick Knight died after promising to deliver a joke as his last words. He was getting sometimes 20 suggestions a day and ended up going with, "I said I was going to tell a joke. Death has set me free. That's the biggest joke. I deserve this." I don’t get it, but then again my sense of humor only kicks in when listening to comedians who haven’t murdered. Georgia eliminated John Hightower who killed his family. It was Georgia’s first execution in two years. Finally in Oklahoma two-time killer Jimmy Dale Bland was executed despite only being given 6 months to live by a doctor. Apparently Jimmy Dale had cancer and why they didn’t make him suffer through 6 more months of it I’ll never know.
Padma '08
--When our youth can’t hold up “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” banners on a public sidewalk just to have fun with the school’s principal then we’ve got sense of humor problems America. So there ya go kiddies you can now doze off when history teacher starts talking first amendment and free speech because that doesn’t apply to you. By the way the kid who pulled this prank five years ago is now teaching English to students in China because, as you know, students here have mastered the English language.

--Whoa, cocaine now comes in flavors like strawberry, coconut, vanilla, and strawberry?! Pixie sticks still cheaper and you know, legal.

--Seriously Victoria or Posh or whatever…a $500,000 leather-floor closet?!

Questions, comments or if you think it's time you revisited Memento...

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