If You Try To Knock Me You'll Get Mocked

Going Out In Style

I washed my hands of this crappy team a couple of weeks ago. Why I waited so long I have no idea. A lot of people have a more expanded vocabulary than mine and can convey the same meaning without using descriptions like ‘the Astros suck.’ My vocabulary is limited…
the Astros are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.

--Prior to Tuesday’s game Craig Biggio had batted in one of the top three spots in 2,276 straight games going all the way back to 1990 back when the Niners won the Super Bowl, Buster beat Tyson, Madonna was voguing, Johnny Gill was rubbing you the right way, Mariah had a vision of love, and After 7 couldn’t stop. Another way of looking at it like Elias did is that when Biggio started this streak Emmitt Smith had yet to score his first TD. Holy %^&^!

--Morgan Ensberg is 0-7 this year when the bases are loaded.

--Let’s talk about the Midwest Astros otherwise known as the Cardinals. Seriously, Preston Wilson homering in his debut is one thing, but Jose Vizcaino doing the same?! And then to top it off Preston Wilson with Wednesday’s #1 play on SportsCenter was a combination of two great catches?! Keep it up, we’re enjoying this. Mark Mulder came back for the Cardinals and for the 2nd straight start allowed 9 earned runs. Only three other pitchers in the last 50 years have achieved something that magical. John Thomson of the Rockies in 1998 and not one, but two Astros. You probably guessed Jose Lima and that’s right. That happened in 2000, who is the other Astro to give up 9 in back-to-back starts. Hint: Also 2000. No, not Scott Elarton, not Tony McKnight, not Dwight Gooden, but 8-16 Chris Holt. If you want to take a trip back to that team and see the horror for everyone not named Bagwell, Alou, Hidalgo, or Puma then float on.

--The Phillies went 17-18 during Chase Utley’s 35-game hitting streak. The Astros are 12-15 during Willy’s. Crazy to have a 27-game hitting streak and take until the 27th game to get your average to .280. In the last 40 years Willy is the only player to have a hitting streak longer than 20 games, but go hitless in 10 or more consecutive at-bats. Willy went 0 for his last 8 in that 18-inning game and then started 0-3 the next day.

--There’s no way you’d guess that Pittsburgh’s Mike Gonzalez has the longest save streak going. He’s saved his last 28 opportunities. No one else is at or over 20.

-- No one thought Adam Everett would hit as many bombs as Derrek Lee and yet…Everett’s 4th on Wednesday ties him with D-Lee for 146th place in the NL.

--The Marlins are the first team in 54 years (’52 Dodgers) to have three rookies in double-digit wins.

--The Red Sox may be fading like the Astros, but they did manage to hand Angel rookie Jered Weaver his first loss after nine straight wins. Weaver was trying to become just the third pitcher to win his first 10 decisions. The others were Hooks Wiltse of the 1904 Giants who we all remember. The other pitcher to make it to 10-0 to start his career did it nearly 90 years after Hooks. Wanna guess? He was in the National League. He did it with the Expos. His name is Kirk Reuter.

--The previous 13 games between the Indians and Royals before Wednesday were all won by the home team. Then Wednesday Kansas City, at home, put up a 10-spot in the first inning and lost in extra innings. Yeah, that’s about right.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--R.I.P. Pluto. You were my favorite planet. Did the scientists not think of the ramifications? Now what is My Very Educated Mother Serving Us Nine of exactly?

--For you Contender fans…Friday Night Fights features Sergio Mora and also on Telefutura Ishe Smith fights someone, quite possibly a Latino.

--There are certain places you just don’t want to pass out drunk like a frat house or a port-o-potti or behind the wheel of your car or your driveway. Richard Gonzalez passed out in his driveway in Arkansas. That’s unfortunate, made more so when his wife came home at midnight, turned into the driveway and then hears a cracking sound that may be her husband’s ribs or a fibula or ulna. Somehow he avoided any serious breaks and is in pretty good condition, well except for the fact he lives in Arkansas.

--A terrible, horrible, no good very bad, but extremely lucky day.

--Your funny/topical headline of the week comes to us from North Carolina: Spartanburg County Enters Abner Creek/Sugar Tit Annexation Fight.

--I’ve signed it so obviously you should to. Optimus Prime did not and will not ever have freakin’ flames on him. Here’s a peek at some of the Transformers.
Megatron. The petition to get Megatron changed should be coming in 3, 2, 1...
I don't see any freakin' flames.
--A sequel to Heathers with both Wynona Ryder and Christian Slater making appearances?! Well, f&*# me gently with a chainsaw, I am completely down for that. What’s your damage? Time to rewatch the original.

--If you don't really care for Stuart Scott and drop f-bombs on him while he's on one of the twenty shows on ESPN he's a part of then you might enjoy this song.
By the way, props to Scott Van Pelt whose voicemail was on Deadspin a week or two ago. If you missed it you can find it one of my blogs or on Deadspin. Anyway, the other night Scott busted out a "you might have heard I have a checklist" as he was heading to The Top 10. Very nice.

--This may be the most important thing we follow over the coming days. Stephen Colbert and his Green Screen Challenge.

----Most absolute shocking, surprising DrudgeReport headline of the week: Some who returned to New Orleans consider leaving. Gee, I wonder where they’ll leave to.

--Like most of you I enjoy CNN’s The Situation Room whenever I can. Imagine my surprise on Wednesday when Wolf Blitzer was interviewing a supposed woman who knew that freak who may or may not have killed JonBenet Ramsey. Wolfie, "Wendy Hutchens is joining us on the phone right now. Wendy, thanks very much for doing this. Tell our viewers how you got involved with John Mark Karr." And then he/she stumbled through an answer, then Wolf went on, “When did the E-mail, when did the talk of JonBenet Ramsey begin?" The fake Wendy answered: "It started around September of 2001, when he told me that he knew more about the JonBenet Ramsey case than what anybody else had known - and that he was instructed to kill JonBenet by Howard Stern." Classic Wolf, "All right. Well, that sounds like we've just been Howard Sterned, as they say."

--More delusional about their “music career”: Paris or Kevin FederSpears?
Or Britney about Kevin?

--The next edition of Survivor is going to divide the teams by races? Huh, I’m sure that’ll go well. I’m also sure I’ll never watch. As you can tell I watch a lot of crap, but I’ve never seen on second of Survivor or American Idol. I’ve also never watched The Biggest Loser, but it is going to have each state represented by one fattie during its new season. That’s a good idea. Dividing up by races in the year 2006 is not.

--PacMan Jones was arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Are you sure? Maybe it’s a different PacMan.

--Finally got around to watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That was a mistake or the mistake was not shoving a sheet of acid in my mouth beforehand although I don’t think that would have made it any more entertaining.

--Sunday is looking strong with the Entourage finale, the Deadwood finale, the Astros game (ha!), the Texans game and Conan hosting the Emmys. I like.
Awesome season.

--66-year-old Thomas Milam ain’t the smartest man in Bossier City, Louisiana. Genius was in court and lucky enough to be found not guilty on an assault charge. So as he’s leaving the courthouse a TV reporter wants to ask him some questions. That made him angry and everyone in Bossier City knows you won’t like Thomas Milam if you make him angry. So Thomas was quickly arrested for on one count each of simple battery, simple criminal damage to property and simple assault.

Questions, comments, or if you think your name somehow got into the guide for scammers or crackheads or alcoholics or just plain poor or all of the above and they aren’t from the area and they can’t drive to their parents’ house because they have a flat tire or they accidentally put diesel fuel in their car and they don’t normally ask for money, but they don’t know what else to do because of their kids and did I mention they don’t normally ask for money, but this time they have to and blah, blah, blah…