Wednesday, January 30, 2013

And we're puttin' it on wax. It's the new style.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--I thought watching the premiere of Spartacus I’d come up with some dog name ideas. Little did I know it wouldn’t be Spartacus or Gannicus, but Crassus as the favorite. Spartacus has a worthy foe indeed.
Gladiator – “You command me to kill you?”
Crassus – “I command you to try.”
Bloody damn fine start with the obligatory beheading in the first five minutes signaling the beginning of the season. I really liked the direction of this episode and transitions as we essentially got the Spartacus and Crassus tale of the tape. It is going to be f’n on! Like double-beheading type of on!
There just isn’t a more fun watch on television than Spartacus.

--Justified had to take a breath at some point and this week was it. Raylan’s girl and MMA boyfriend was a yawner to me, but it did provide some quality Rachel/Raylan time which was nice. I’m liking Ray-chel.
I’m going with Ellie May/Ellen May/Ella May being kidnapped by preacher’s sister.

--Chris Brown and Frank Ocean were involved in a fight? According to sources connected with Chris Brown it was Frank Ocean’s fault? Welp, guess there’s nothing to do here. Chris Brown is a victim again. Poor guy.

--I knew ever since I sat next to Ashley Judd at a Grand Prix of Houston press conference back in 2005 that she’d leave Dario Franchitti. You just don’t exchange pleasantries like we did without a sense of a real future being involved. I do find it odd she hasn’t contacted me yet though. Must be waiting for the press to calm down.

--I always get Jason and Jeremy London confused. Not anymore though. Jeremy was the one in Mallrats and 7th Heaven. Jason is the one who crapped in the back of a police cruiser after getting his ass kicked.
Woulda bet money it would have been the dude on the left.

--Yeah, maybe you’re just inviting trouble if you’re going to wear a shirt that has the words “prepare to die” on an airplane. But if those words are preceded by, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.” Well that should take care of that. So yeah the Australian flight this guy got on with that shirt made him take it off which begs the question. How did we not export The Princess Bride to Australia?  Were we mad at them for the whole Yahoo Serious thing?

--Archer as Bob was great, but holy hell Gene as Bob was fantastic.
“At least you know your shoulders will never go bald.”
Lynn’s reactions to her “Muppet Baby Bob” were the best.
Grandpa Muenster Burger (10% senior discount).

--Well damn Downton. What’d Sybil ever do to you?

--Girls needed to change coke to ecstasy and then, well do something other than that with Marnie. Not the bad friend stuff, but the Booth Jonathan crap.
Why in the hell couldn’t the ex-junkie Laird kiss Hannah and then tell her she was going to get Jamm’d? Interesting character for that show. Hope we see him again.

--Christoph Waltz on SNL in February? Interesting.

--Demetrious Johnson Mighty Mouse >>>> Damon Stoudamire Mighty Mouse.  

I don't know what's what in his weight class.  All I know is Anthony Pettis needs a title shot.

--Yeah, I love eating in Vegas and all, but maybe not so much eating while dangling by a crane 180 feet up in the air.

--Under the headline “January Jones on Mad Men’s Sixth Season.”
“I’m in it more.”
Uh oh.

--There is crap for television on Mondays right now so I gave The Following a look. It was eh. Terrible dialogue. There is Natalie Zea, but really just terrible dialogue and a lot of suspension of belief.
     I don't know whether to laugh or be scared of those Poe masks.

--Real Husbands of Hollywood made me like Robin Thicke. Not that I disliked him. I just had no opinion of him. But damn, he and Kevin Hart are gold. Mix in JB Smoove and what looks like a cast of thousands and I’m watching BET for the first time since Video Soul. I can’t remember if it was Hart or Duane Martin when they were all hating each other, but someone told JB, “You’re the unintimidating black friend that the white lead’s girlfriends don’t wanna f***.” Show is stupid funny.

--Oh so now you don’t want flame retardants in your Gatorade?! Well excuse me your majesty. PepsiCo is taking the brominated vegetable oil out of your Gatorade because we're a bunch of wittle babies.

--Iran shot a monkey into space. Whoop-de-doo. Iran unveils a finger amputating machine for use on thieves. Okay, now you have my attention.

--The next batch of 30 for 30’s comes in March. Do we really need one on the ’82-’83 North Carolina State title team? What that one does have going for it is the same director as the Chris Herren and Marcus Dupree ones. No coincidence it’s airing the night the brackets are released. No coincidence two nights before the NFL draft a 30 for 30 on the ’83 draft class. Like the sound of that one.

--Remember the days of fire drills/free time in schools? So nice to stretch your legs and catch up with friends. Ah, the good ol’ days. Now schools are running shooting drills in case of gunmen attacks and at least one school is going the extra mile by having someone fire blanks in the hallways during the drills. That, my friends, is where we are.

--Showtime renewed its trio of current Sunday night shows. Don’t the people in Californication want Californication to end?

--I love you Killers, but $70 a ticket is asking a lot. A LOT. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll fork it over, but I won’t be happy…well until Eric Roberts jumps on the stage for Miss Atomic Bomb.

--The Office hasn’t been bad this year as I’ve somewhat paid attention, but I have zero interest in watching Roseanne Barr on it.

Questions, comments or if you’re a New Jack Ruzzler…

Friday, January 25, 2013

Bass From The Back Of My Car Feels Soothing. Eight Bazookas Is What I'm Using.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts


--About damn time Top Chef. You’ve been so dumb I actually thought Brooke might go home over Josie.

--Yeah, if I’ve got a snake stuck in my cheek the next bullet I fire is into the back of my throat. Snake attacks before opening title sequences should be mandatory for all television shows once per season. Of course I’d also demand all television shows work in Wynn Duffy once per season as well. Yeah, this isn’t going to turn out good for you Johnny.
Not sure about Raylan’s girl and her MMA ex. She knew where the money was so why was the place turned upside down?
Art – “If my stiffy lasts much longer, I’m gonna have to consult my physician.”

--Timothy Olyphant on Archer. Swoon. “I snuck into your room with a big bottle of suntan oil, put on some Al Green and…”
Line of the night to Pam – “Maybe you can shut your dick holster.”

--I haven’t watched any Californications in a couple seasons, but thankfully the Diatribes Oversight Committee helmed by @fidoz has alerted me to Maggie Grace being on the show.
                    Memories.  Misty water colored memories.

--Ron’s “I love nothing!” was great. Jerry giggling as Ron ran by him was greater.

--Julius Pepperwood – Zombie Detective. Seriously, Hollywood, every week Nick Miller is trying to make you money on New Girl.

--I like how those annoying CSN commercials on 790 have started threatening that we’re going to miss Astros games. Cute.

--Not sure whether I more enjoyed watching Hannah workout or learn how to cut her bangs via YouTube. Really strong Girls this week after last week’s okay premiere. Hilariously meta to hear Sandy rattle off criticisms of Hannah/the show and get her Missy Elliott quoting reaction.
I hope that’s not the end of Sandy on the show, but wouldn’t mind if Jessa and her husband take a vacation. They could take a vacation and we could get more Ray and Shoshanna.

--The Postal Service reunion?! Yes. Although I wouldn’t mind if they prohibited UPS from running any of their songs into the f’n ground again.

--Tiffani Amber Thiessen turns 39 this week. She did an Esquire “Me in My Place.” She’s still got it and I’m pretty certain she always will.

--Maybe I’m just on an Archer high when watching, but I’m liking Legit.

--Until Thursday I seriously thought “She’s got Bette Davis eyes” was “She’s got better days to decide.” My version is way better. 

--Uproxx with a look at 13 actors who came out of the Band of Brothers/Pacific miniseries. Totally forgot Shane from Walking Dead was in Pacific and Tom Hardy was in Band of Brothers. Probably due for a revisit on BoB. I never want to revisit The Pacific and obviously that’s not because it wasn’t good, but damn…

--‘Tis close to the season o’ the brackets. There shan’t be a more entertaining bracket than The Best Chappelle’s Show Sketch bracket on Grantland. Great stuff. His Final Four is:
Rick James vs. Wayne Brady
Clayton Bigsby black supremacist vs. Racial Draft also with a nice set of Braverman power rankings from Parenthood. My top five - Amber, Crosby, Max, Joel, Jabbar. (which is odd because I hated both in the first season or so), 
Didn’t really care that much for the finale though.

--Today’s dumb: ReviewerCards.

--Community promos? Don’t mind if I do.

--I thought I might like Downton Abbey after its season three premiere. Two episodes later and it’s putting me to sleep.

--If you blinked you missed Wedding Band’s run on TBS. If you blinked and rubbed your eyes you missed Don’t Trust the B on ABC.

--It looks like a movie version of Bored to Death is picking up steam. This is damn good news. In a perfect world upon its release it would be accompanied by a Life and Times of Tim short.

--Mad Men returns Sunday April 7th with a two-hour extravaganza. Hopefully Breaking Bad will be right on its heels.

--Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn?! Tiger is a former golfer I’m pretty sure while Vonn is an Olympic skier…or swimmer.

--Love the idea of these Good Night Lamps.

--Pretty please with a cherry on top.

--If you’re not going to believe the Daily Mail’s story about Rachael Ray’s husband visiting a swingers club multiple times with different females not named Rachael Ray then I don’t know what you’ll believe.
Oh and yes dad, I’m sure Rachael has seen the article. Make your move after the divorce.

--A Giada and Bobby talk show? Oh my.

--A Valentine’s Doomsday Preppers, “Bachelor Prepper”? Oh hell yeah. Finally legitimate Valentine’s Day programming.

--The Lingerie Football League is now the Legends Football League. Carry on.

--Papa John’s is good for one thing. Robbing. A guy in Montana started off the right way with a bandana covering his face, a big knife and handing the clerk a note demanding money. But then the would-be robber started crying which is usually indicative of a poor attempt at a robbery. The guy cried that he was just trying to feed his family and the Papa John’s clerk complied with a pizza and some wings. Poor guy had to go home and explain to his family how Papa John’s pizza was somehow better than cash.

--Very impressive Brazilian inmates. Over 26,000 were given good behavior furloughs over the holidays. All but 2,400 returned. I can only assume those 2,400 were killed by The Runts. Also where the f is my City of God DVD?!

Questions, comments or if you borrowed my City of God DVD…