Monday, January 12, 2009

You missed two classes and no homework. But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk.

Sports Are So Random

--Tracy - "It doesn't make any sense to be shuffling in and out of the lineup."

Houston - "No sh**."

I'm glad Tracy is finally going to shut it down until he can really go all out or at least as all out as he gets. Obviously this team needs him at full health come stretch run and playoff time and that's ALL that matters. This team is good enough to get a playoff spot without Tracy for a while and it matters little whether it's 1 or 8.

--Hey Curly Neal, I know you're older than Al Davis, but what's up with Clutch giving you a ball to sign so you can throw it into the crowd except you decide to hand it to Walt Frazier at press row who kept it?!

--In 2007 the Giants tied a record by sacking Donovan McNabb 12 times in one game. So obviously New York didn't sack McNabb a single time in three games this season. That's the first time a team played a quarterback three times in a season and never picked up a sack. By the way, Unibrow Flacco has yet to be sacked or picked in his two playoff games. That'll change on their first series Sunday.

--How about that awesome single snap the Chargers gave us in the 3rd quarter? Teams that record one offensive play in a single quarter are now 0-76 in NFL history (completely made up).

--Happy 34th birthday Jake! Delhomme was the first home quarterback to throw five picks in a playoff game since Dan Fouts and the Chargers got it handed to them (by "handed to them" I mean by a field goal) by the Oilers back in '79.

--Of course Bill Romanowski sent a PowerPoint presentation to Broncos owner Pat Bowlen to convince him Bill Romanowski should be the next head coach of the Denver Broncos. "I truly believe that I'd be the best person in the country for the job. That's me being confident in my abilities." The crazy person added, "I can't stop thinking about this." Note to Bill: Stop. And seriously if you want a coaching job why haven't you sent a resume to the place Broncos go to die?

--Watch out Calvin, Shaq has made 12 straight free throws.

--Paul Millsap's double-double streak ended at 19. Only Kevin Garnett has taken a streak like that into the 20s over the last 15 seasons.

--Let's check on the twins. Brook is averaging just over 10 points and 8 rebounds a game (only Kevin Love is averaging more boards among rookies). He's also 4th overall in the league in blocks. As for Robin, well, he had a huge game the other night with 4 points and 0 fouls. That puts him on the season at 44 points and 42 fouls. Should be a fun race.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--The last couple of seasons have been shaky, but 24 is looking good a couple of hours in.

--32.7% of Americans are overweight. Well that's not good. More than 34% are obese. Well that's just disgusting. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the number of overweight Americans has remained the same since 1980 while the number of obese people has more than doubled (I'm looking at you Paula Deen). In all fairness to America, if Oprah and Mike Tyson couldn't keep their faces out of the butter churn how were we supposed to? Is there anyone opposed to seeing Mike Tyson on The Biggest Loser?

--Dexter and Deb married on New Year's Eve. Awwwwww, gross ya know with inbreeding and such, but awwwwww.

--Dillon losing? Not a big deal. I mean you can't win 'em all on 99-yard flea flicker fumble recoveries in a hurricane with no time on the clock. Most, but not all. Titans winning the Texas state championship? Unacceptable. Gotta love "Lance" getting special teams play.

If you never took the time to watch just do yourself a favor and watch Season One and Season Three (I think everyone has forgotten Season Two's chopped up sophomore slump).

--God bless drunk, smartass stoners. Our boy Jeffrey Henderson of Sanborn, New York was minding his own business passed out in his still running, yet parked car when someone called 911 because guy's car started smoking and looked like it was gonna catch on fire. So the neighbor said it was hard as hell to wake up Jeffrey, but when told to get out because his car was on fire he managed an "all right." Emergency personnel made it to the scene and the conversation picked up a notch. First they ask him what happened and Jeff tells them, “My (expletive) car almost blew up, man. I could have (expletive) died.” Next question was where were you going, Jeff is as honest as the day is long, “I got the serious munchies, and I was driving to Micky D’s for a little snack.” Next question, were you alone in the car? Jeff looks at the cops with his best WTF and says, “No, I had a group of midgets with me who ran away when you got here. Yeah, I was (expletive) alone, dude. Do you see anyone else?” Holy crap, no way Jeff can top that! Thankfully the cops give him another chance by asking if he's been drinking to which Jeff keeps it rolling with, “Uh, hello, yeah, I was (expletive) drinking. I almost died, dude, and you ask me that (expletive)? ... I wasn’t driving, if that’s what you’re getting at, dude. Nice try, good police work.” Reason #245 why I could never be a cop. I'd be laughing my ass off at this point. Of course they ask him to blow into a breathalyzer and of course he comes back with, “Dude, I don’t blow into long tube-shaped things. You have at it if you like blowing." For some strange reason the cops decided to arrest Jeff who blamed demon alcohol, “It was just the liquor talking back there, dude. I won’t give you guys a hard time anymore.” Great stuff Jeff. Great stuff.

--Almost here...

--With a nod to a certain President-elect, Ben & Jerry's gives us "Yes, Pecan!".

--Mantyhose?! It is what it sounds like it is. Let Mack tell you about it, "It's nice because they are specifically made for men, so I felt less weird about it," said Mack, who declined to give his last name (because his wife does still feel weird about it). "They are tougher, less delicate than women's pantyhose, but not as bulky as long underwear." So there ya go.

--Damages is back and while it won't have the uniqueness it did last year with the way it was presented the bookend flashforwards for the first episode were promising. Is Willie (we're cool like that) Hurt/Purcell, Julia's father or is that just too simple? Either way I'm glad Ted Danson is back and they found a way to work in Ray Fiske. Glenn Close might just make it as an actress.

--It at least narrows it down to a season, which is nice. Mad Men Season Three coming this summer. It's going to lead into something on AMC called The Prisoner, some six-part remake of a BBC show. I'll give it a shot. I mean what else am I gonna do this summer? Watch the Astros?

--By the way, Breaking Bad rejoins us in March. Great f'n show with Bryan Cranston knocking it out of the park.

--Kate Hudson and A-Rod?!

--War Machine legally changed his name to War Machine?! Speaking of crazy former Ultimate Fighter candidates...Junie's next fight is reportedly against Cole Miller at Fight Night 18. Wait so Roger Huerta didn't re-sign with UFC and instead is gonna try acting and modeling for a bit after fulfilling the last fight on his current contract? I assume because of Rich Franklin's rave reviews in Cyborg Soldier.

--Larry the Cable Guy is your next roastee on Comedy Central. Whoop and ee.

--Who knows about the movie, but Taken's trailer is pretty strong.

--A Housewives show for NASCAR wives?!

Jeff's wife not included.


--Cast a thousand lines because all you need is one nibble...Linda Roberts took $32,000 she was supposed to deposit for her employer Dunkin' Donuts and gave it to who? Well, Linda is a smart woman so she gave the money to the Nigerian heiress who asked for it in an email. Ho-ly crap. I guess if people didn't fall for it rich Nigerians wouldn't keep doing it. She gave the heiress the cash. Then you're never gonna guess what happened. The heiress gave a check to the woman and the check, oddly enough, bounced. Go figure.

Questions, comments or if you've finally made it to the part in Team of Rivals when Abraham Lincoln wins the presidency...


  1. Anonymous7:21 PM

    How is it that I am just finding out about this blog? Great stuff! Keep it up! (by the way, it was due to Lance mentioning your blog on the morning show last Thursday or Friday)....


  2. Because 610 always forgot it had a show at night, well, until it came time to fire somebody. Thanks for checking in. The LZ Seal of Approval is gold.

  3. I was wondering when Breaking Bad was gonna come back. I can't wait.


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